No easy choice...

Today I took Zachary back to BAMC to meet with his developmental pediatrician. After months of wresting with the topic of medicating him for "ADD" I brought it up with him again. His teachers seem to be pushing this on him and on us...that his biggest issue at school is fidgeting, destractible, impulsively and not being able to stay on task. We see it at home too and know it is an issue. But we have also been told that because he has Autism it is likely a cause of his sensory issues. That he is over or under stimulated and then seeks those senses in behaviors that look like ADD. Either way when you are told by a teacher that she has to redirect him about 12 times in on hour, that is a lot.

I am completely torn. I would do anything to help him. If there was a magic pill that could make things easier for him, I would find it. But I don't want to change him. I am adamant when I say that the child I have is the child I want. He has his issues, don't get me wrong. Some days they are worse than others. Some moments I am heartbroken to watch him struggle with things that should be normal, easy tasks. But on no day would I trade him in for a "fixed" version. That version wouldn't be Zachary.

As I sat and listened to the doctor tell me about the drugs and choices for him I stared at my son. He played on Brandon's IPOD a game of skeet ball and was oblivious to the fact I was deciding what drugs would be best for him. I have had several friends with ADD. I have seen them on and off drugs. I have researched this topic many nights. I have listened to the teachers and therapists complain about his fidgeting. I have been frustrated to no end on some days when he won't sit still. But, the discussion of giving him a drug is different from actually doing it.

I read the list of side effects...some are not ones I am sure are ones we will be able to tolerate. One big one is loss of appetite. Zach is already tiny for his age...not even 40 lbs at 5 1/2 years old. I am scared that he will loose the fun, silly and bubbly parts of Zachary that make me smile in my worst moments. The parts of this child that are literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...I am so torn. I feel like no matter what I choose I won't be happy with the result. I feel like I owe it to him and his teachers to see if the drugs can help him in school to stay on task and focuses. It can't be fun to be told to do something over and over again. It won't be easier on him as he gets older to be the child that is always corrected by the teacher and unable to finish his work on time. But, I refuse to lose the little boy that I adore in order to make him an easier student.

Tomorrow we are supposed to start the first dose...one week on a half does and then move it up to see how he tolerates it. Apparently the dose is key, as all kids react differently to it and kids on the spectrum are even harder to gage. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it and what choice is best. I am trying to have faith that we will know what is right and it will all be fine. But right now I just feel so confused. Moments like this it is clear to me how hard it is to be a parent and responsible for making the best decision for your child.