Saturday breakfast...lazy weekend...

I have to say I do love making the kids breakfast on the weekends...now with school, mornings seem so much more rushed and less enjoyable. I love the time to sit around the table, eat yummy food and chat all while still in our jammies. Perfect. Yesterday we had pancakes...not just regular pancakes, but Mickey Mouse. This time the kids ate them...last time they seemed to be frightened by the thought I was asking them to eat Mickey.

I apologize for the scary Susan photo with no makeup...this is real life people.

Erin jumping in and tasting her yummy creation....
Mickey!

We then headed out to Costco and shopped, sampled and shopped...always fun. The kids shock me each time with what they will try there, but at home say no to. Zach ate tuna fish, yes, tuna. It was super yummy, so jumped in my cart. They had fun, and I got all I needed and then some. We then headed home, made yummy dinner and had Bryan over...the boys then left for Poker night and had bath time with the kids. Erin went off to bed right after. She has a yucky cold and her eyes are watery, her nose is yucky and she is a mess. Zach and I had a slumber party and went to bed soon after. Today has been lazy...we have done a lot of nothing. I was going to run to the store to get a few much needed items...but it is windier than I have seen here, Edwards windy I tell you, so I plan to just wait and go out tomorrow. My stuff can wait and in the mean time I am cleaning. The carpet cleaners come Tuesday, so I am trying to get things organized and put away so they aren't bothered by all my crap laying around. Brandon took Zach out to shop for T-ball stuff. They are out back practicing as I type. Erin is sleeping and I am heading back to clean.

making positive changes...

So I am trying not to obsess about my hair, all the while of course I am worried. But, I am trying to put that to good use. I have my doctor appointment next week, so I will be sure to have them cover all the necessary precautions just be safe. In the mean time I am doing what I should have been doing all along. Making time to eat good food, meals, quality food. I have had a habit for a while now of just grabbing and going or not eating at all most of the day and having a lot of non nutritious foods late in the day, evening. I know how unhealthy it is, but I was being lazy or busy, or whatever. I am a person that actually would rather eat a salad than junk food, so it is hard for me to wrap my brain around how crappie my diet has been. I don't eat as much protien or iron rich foods for sure and I wasn't taking more than vitamin E and acidopholis as suppliments. So...I know I need to work on that department. I bought vitamins at the store, Omega 3, Biotin and Prenatals...I also am looking into chemical free shampoos for later on in the venture when my hair stops falling out and grows back. For now I don't want to switch shampoos unless the doctor says too. I do know that diet and stress are probably contributors, but I also know that seeing a doctor is something I need to do to. So there is that...I am trying my hardest to get over my vanity and realize this might be a blessing in disguise...to get myself healthier and learn to take better care of me...to remind me to slow down, calm down and let some things go. And in the end I might very well end up with prettier, healthier hair than I have ever had before.

I had lunch with Zachary today at school...He had a sub today, so I was determined to go and see how he was doing. I had planned to go to the library and volunteer, but our water heater broke again this morning...I didn't get to shower until after I took Erin to school instead of before, so I wasn't going to make it to school in time to volunteer...I am fine with that...He was doing well, but to me he seems spacey. More fidgety and less in control. He aparently cried before I got there because I was 3 minutes late, seriously...his speech teacher stopped me in the hall and I was 3 minutes late. He cried in speech too about not being the line leader. So...the crying and emotions are still there, and he has been off the meds yesterday and today. His lack of focus to me is more present. I will do the no meds for the rest of the week and weekend and then call his doctor Monday and see what he thinks. I am so torn, but I also know I can't dwell on this daily, it literally is driving me crazy. The Zach today is so not the child I saw Sunday bowling and i have to say, the one today makes me sad. He just wastn't all there. We have these days...we call them not on the planet days. These are by far the hardest days for me as his mom. So people can judge all they want, I know my child. I know who he can be and what he can do and I owe it to him and our family to help him get there however I can....medication or not. So lets hope the next few days give us some clues and answers and we can make a good decision.

I am off to organize this house a bit and do some me things...Hope everyone has a lot of full buckets today!

Filling buckets...

Well it is true...my wonderful Aussie hairdresser that is pretty cool and very real...he didn't mince words. My hair has thinned dramatically. To the point that he wouldn't color it and barely cut it yesterday. I have cried a lot of tears over this and you call me superficial, go ahead. It is my hair and I happened to like it. One feature out of two on me that I actually like. So I am pretty heartbroken. But, at least I am not going nuts too. Brandon had been telling me for days, oh your hair is fine, super thick. Ummm...not so much. My pony tale won't stay in...not good. So...I am not working on figuring out why. The common idea from all is that I am stressed. I am sure that is a big part of it, but reality is for 3 years now I have had the same stresses up and down and this has never happened. Never! Not even after kids did my hair ever do this. So I am scared and upset and unsure of what to do. Today I am starting to change my diet up...eat more protein and iron rich foods for a while. Ironically with my IBS I try to not load up on those things since it is harder on my stomach...so this shall be interesting. I have a dermatology appointment next week as a follow up for something else, but plan to get to the bottom of this while there. All I can do now is hope that it stops thinning, I learn why and that it is something I can change/fix so my hair can grow back.

A big thank you for to all of my wonderful friends that came to my rescue after the issues in the earlier post. I am so lucky to have such wonderful parents who listened to me cry about my hair, stress, guilt, etc and gave me what I needed, support and encouragement as well as a little bit of the "get your shit together" talk I needed too. My sister. April. Becky. Leslie. Countless friends that sent me notes and messages on FB and privately. Most of all Renee. Who tried to give me what she had hoped was great advice and it didn't get the reception she had intended...I know she meant no malice and I am thankful she is a good enough friend to have apologized and let me know she cared so much. Things like that in life are what make me smile and make me whole. Have friends that are real, there and sincere. In good and in bad. Who when a mistake is made, mine or theirs, is able to discuss it and move past it without drama, broken friendships or silliness. I wish more than anything that more of you lived near me. I miss my friends and I miss having them close. But, I know what a gift it is to have them at all and it is not lost on me that I have more than most. I am blessed and thankful for the people that do love me, do know me and are in my life for the long haul.

There is a book I read to Zach all the time....great book for young an old..."Have you Filled your Bucket Today" A personal Guide to happiness for kids. It is awesome. Basically it tells you that everyone in life has an invisible bucket they carry. We all want full buckets, that means we are happy. We can fill others buckets with smiles, hugs, nice words, kind gestures and so on. We also fill our own bucket when we are nice to other people and fill theirs. But we often dip into and empty other people's buckets with our behavior...sometimes on purpose and sometimes simply by not thinking about their needs and bucket. I love this book. I refer to it a lot with Zachary and plan to do the same with Erin. It is an easy way to think about the simple fact that we need to work on how we treat others.

I am as guilty as the rest, maybe more so of this. I have a lot to work on within myself and hope that I can start to be bucket filler more than a bucket emptier...

more than meets the eye...

There is so much I want to say and so much I could say, but right now I am just at a loss of how to say it. The last few weeks have been very stressful...I think even I didn't realize how much stress I was under until I looked in the mirror this weekend....my face is broken out like I am back in high school, my hair is literally thinning and looks awful and I look like I have a newborn because I am so sleep deprived. I wish I could say I was being dramatic, but I am not one to be a dramatic about this kind of stuff.

We had the second ARD to get Zach's school situation straightened out early this month. A huge stress. The incident with substitute occurred right before the Christmas break and weighed on me for the whole break and the month after while we waited for the ARD. Reality it is that it wasn't the sub issue that bothered me. It was the fact that Brandon and I signed an ARD that wasn't right...not for Zach, not for us and not what we we all deserved from the school. It wasn't specific to him, his needs and didn't have a safety net in place for moments like the sub. I felt the feeling i know oh too well...GUILT. I mine as well change my name to it at this point. It seems no matter what choices I make I live with that one feeling the most. When it comes to Zach it is the same as breathing some days. I don't mean that as a negative either. I just always feel like I haven't done enough, done it right or made the best choice and he deserves all of that. You can tack on the guilt I feel about about putting him before Erin 9 times out of 10, the lack of time and devotion I put into my husband and marriage, my parents and sister and forget about friends. I don't have time to put forth for a real friendship with a girlfriend right now. So yes, guilt is a big thing around here for me.

It manifests itself into all sorts of things too...stress, bad mood, fatigue, you name it. I don't need it pointed it, I live it.

If I am sounding a bit defensive or bitter on here today, than I guess you see my mood. I am. For the past few weeks we worked so hard to get his ARD (IEP) reversed. Many mistakes were made and we worked to get them changed...his diagnosis for one, the goals, the intricate details of thing...it is a lot more than meets the eye and ironically, the school doesn't do most of it, Brandon and I do. On top of that Zach has speech and OT, is in a social group, has swimming lessons, and ABA therapy. Oh and i have another child, her name is Erin and she is 2. In the mix of all that we have dealt with medical appointments...back to the ENT two times to discuss tubes...choosing not to right now because we think he will get better on his own and the option to avoid one more thing is what I want. Back to the developmental pediatrician to discuss medication. Oh the big one that has guilt all over it. And the one that I have spent more time reading, researching, discussing, and yes, praying.

We have been told for well over a year that Zachary was displaying ADD type behavior. Kids on the spectrum can often get a dual diagnosis. Sometimes the symptoms that look like ADD are actually issues based on their sensory processing disorders. You ask a therapist you often are told it is SPD a teacher or doctor will say ADD. There is no one fit solution or answer. He is in therapy. His therapist even suggested medication. It wasn't just the school and it wasn't in fact his doctor. Let me be clear on that. His doctor in fact held us off for months. He feared Zach wasn't too young, but too small. He gave us the side effects, the speech on what we could lose and what we could gain. He wasn't pushing anything on us. Nor was the school...they simply pointed out his issues...we see them too. He is impulsive, fidgety, and distracted easily. Not only does it affect him, but his classmates and teacher that has to redirect him over 12 times within one hour.

We have worked diligently for 2.5 years on therapy, in home and at therapists. He has been in a special ed school setting, private preschool, regular public school...we have tried what we have had available. The one and only thing we didn't try was the GFCF diet. Why? For lots of reasons that range from medical advice to selfishness. Every doctor we asked about this too said no. Zach is already tiny, 39 lbs and almost 6. He doesn't eat well as it is and this diet is VERY limiting. He wouldn't be able to eat a school (lunch line), parties or most things at restaurants. This would make him feel more and more left out as he got bigger. The diet has NEVER been proven to work on its own. All "studies" done have never had a sample population do only the diet and nothing else, like therapy. So no proof that the diet alone can change things. It is expensive. It is not easy to get the foods at most stores, it takes way more time to plan meals and limits a lot of things. Oh and it would have to be a family change or for just Zach...how do you decide that? His diagnosis came when I had a newborn and we lived in the Mojave desert, I did what I could with what I had and I continue with that philosophy.

With that being said...I am not the brightest light bulb in the package in a lot of areas, but I am not stupid and I am not thoughtless with my child. I took classes in college about child development (my minor was family studies). I worked with kids before I had my own. I actually took a seminar in Abilene about ADD/ADHD and have the certificate to prove it. I have researched, read and learned a lot about this topic. I didn't go into this blindly. We, Brandon and I myself, felt we owed it to Zachary. Not his teachers, not us, to him, to try. If medication helped him feel better, made it easier for him to concentrate and learn. To aid him in any way, we wanted to try. We also said, as I stated on here in a few posts ago, that at any time we saw any negative side affects the medication was done. I see no way that that is being reckless and I again thought it was best to try. I spent the entire night before I gave him his first dose up...I cried myself to sleep only to wake up in the night having nightmares. I then went to his room and watched him sleep. I was a mess the next day waiting by the phone to hear if the school had any news. I have had little to no feedback from them about Zachary. The only thing I heard yesterday is that he appeared to be more emotional. I have noticed that too, but he also on his own can be a sensitive child with fits of tears over things that make no sense. We have built up the medication from a minimal amount the first week of a half dose, half day. We have taken days off. It is a trial, it isn't one size fits all.

I write all this after a simple event made me frustrated, hurt and just feeling again, guilt.

I posted on Facebook last night a simple question, if anyone had any information on Ritalin and its side affects. I was aiming more for the people that had taken it or had kids take it. Hoping to get some real ideas of what they saw, didn't see, etc. What I got surprised me and honestly hurt. I know people have opinions and I know myself, I have them too. I know often I have said things that came out harsh on FB and later realized I could have worded that better, sent a personal note, something else maybe. But I had over 10 messages all very negative about the use of Ritalin for Zach. When in fact I never said who it was for, or put in details. As I appreciate the opinions from my true friends, some people on there aren't my real friends (simply friends because I know them)...I felt some of the comments crossed the line of being thoughtful to my feelings. And it hurt. Medicating your child is not an easy choice. Period. No matter if it is antibiotics or antidepressants.

I was happy that my friend April wrote me several private notes and then posted one great one on my FB page followed by my sister...reminding me and my friends that this isn't easy, isn't taken into lightly and I am trying my best. I know it isn't easy to imagine being in someone else's shoes, but that is what this is about. I have a child with Autism. I have a life that literally revolves around that one fact most of the time. I have to make the choices based on that one fact for my child, for myself, for my other child and my husband. I don't expect anyone to understand who doesn't walk in my shoes. I wouldn't wish some of my guilt and pain on anyone. But I also don't expect the judgment that I sometimes get. I wouldn't trade my son in for the world. He and Erin are my life and are both equally amazing children. While I often spend more time stressed and guilt ridden over Zachary, it isn't because he is difficult, but because he is so deeply loved and admired and we want only the very best for him.

So...there is more than meets the eye to my choices, my state of mind and my life. If you want to know more, simply ask. I am often an open book...sometimes too much. But like I wouldn't change Zach, I won't start to change myself.

Sunday Bowling...

After 3 weeks on green Zach asked to go bowling as a reward...so we had a fun outing Sunday...went to the base bowling alley with him...we bowled, ate and laughed....it was a lot of fun. Brandon didn't bowl, just the kids and I with Brandon helping Erin...I will say Zach did quite well and came close to beating me. I am not a great bowler, but still. He had a great day...

This is him watching the ball go down the lane....not sure if that angle is better than the usual one, but it works for him. :)
Erin and her technique...place ball on slide, push with pointer finger.
Daddy assisting the princess.
Smiles all around.
All in all it was a great weekend. More to share, but tonight I am tired and off to bed...

what to say...

Flashback photos - September 2004 - Baby Zachary 3 1/2 months old.

Well not moments after my last post I heard hysterical crying coming from upstairs. The kids were in bath time with Brandon and usually it is Erin that cries about something during that time...then I realized Erin wasn't in the bath, she was watching TV in the next room. She often boycotts things that aren't her idea these days. Turned out to be good that she was self contained. I ran upstairs and saw Zach naked crying holding his bottom...I knew this wouldn't be good.

Apparently he had tried to go to the bathroom and had a difficult time and told Brandon it hurt...he had a large compacted stool and was unable to pass it on his own and was super upset. Understandably. We called the nurse line to see what we could do at home for him and of course they told us it was an hour wait or more. Zach seemed to be okay, but Brandon was concerned and said he wanted to take him to BAMC. It was 8 PM. I really didn't think it was necessary, but it was a Thursday night and Lord knows what we would have happen if we didn't. They left and didn't return until Midnight. Ugh. I let Zach sleep with me since they had not given him anything at the place....sent him home with suppositories and a colon prep kit. Seriously he weighs 39 lbs. He couldn't drink 1/10th of that jug.

He woke up the next AM at 8:30 and promptly informed me he was late for school. I asked if he felt up to going and he said yes, "I have a spelling test today Mommy!" God love him. So we got him ready and off he went. We let the nurse know what had happened and to be aware if he come to her office with stomach pain of issues. He had told the ER doctor that he had a bootie emergency, so we weren't sure what he would say at school.

He did fine and later came home and had his issues here with me. Turns out all he needed was a cheerleader and some knock knock jokes. I read to him and cheered him on...he is all better now.

It reminded me though how much things have changed and how different I am with Erin than with him and even how much I have changed with him. When Zach was a baby he was a bit of a mess digestively. I went back to work and had him in daycare...poor child was unable to sleep there, had reflux and threw up all the time and in general not happy. A big reason I chose to leave my job along with Brandon's impending deployment and a job that wouldn't be flexible with my hours. Anyhow...I had thought that babies did 3 things and did them with some amount of ease. Sleep, eat and poop. Not my guy. He had his days and nights messed up. He refused to sleep on his back after a few months. He slept for short amounts of time and woke up crying. He had colic and had to be put on special formula (which costs a fortune, smelled awful, but I swear was worth its weight in gold). He had a hard time going to the bathroom. To the point that I created a log for it. Really. I did. He also developed reflux. So after 45 minutes trying to burp him, he would then throw it all up. It was difficult for us, but I just felt so badly for him.

Fast forward a few years and we have a 5 year old boy. He is over 2 years potty trained and has no issues with that. He usually tells me when he is going to the bathroom, but not always and e is able to wipe and take care of his own needs now, so I don't see the reason to ask him if he has gone. Well when this incident happened I asked, "When was the last time you went to the bathroom Zach?" My child is an elephant. He told me February 6th. Oh Good Lord!!!

So where is the line? I have tried to back off being the crazed mom charting poop and now I have a kid that hasn't gone in weeks and I didn't know. I never was like that with Erin either. I think partly because she was the second and you know that they will turn out fine if you chart things or if you just let them be. You realize you need your sleep and the extra 5 minutes it takes to write it all down, isn't as important. You just try to enjoy the moments that you can while chasing around another child. And I had the new found issues with Zach's diagnosis coming right around the time of Erin's arrival.

So I found this all very enlightening. How much I have changed. In the end he is fine and I know I need to be more aware of his diet and his bathroom happenings. But I am just glad that when it was all said and done he thanked me...he told me I helped him and fixed his tummy. I am glad in moments like that I can be there, no matter how unpleasant the issue to make him laugh at knock knock jokes and give him support, love and smiles.

Updates and photos...

I don't have a lot of excitement to post tonight or fun thoughtful feelings...so I thought I would share two cute photos of the kids from after dinner tonight and updates on things here.

Zach went to the ENT today and decision at this time to hold off on tubes and see how he does next month...if he is good then we will wait to see the ENT again in the summer. His ears are retracted and that in itself can cause pain, but the constant ear infections at this time are not constant enough to show reason for a set of tubes at this age...so we will see. The appointment lasted all of 6 minutes, but we waited in the waiting room for 47 after driving over an hour to get there. SA traffic is a pain some days. Zach told the doctor as we were leaving, "I waited 47 minutes to see you and you only saw me for 6, that doesn't seem right." Gotta love the honesty of kids. He had every nurse laughing at that.

I then took him back to school where I had lunch with him and a friend of his Max...I like Max. He is a friend I am glad Zach has...nice, sweet, smart little boy. He is in his reading group and sits at the same table with him too. It was a good lunch and always nice to have time with him. Ran my errands and then off to get Erin. She had a fun day and was in a great mood when I got her. Love that. She gave me big hugs and smiles and talked the whole way home.

She later fell asleep (45 minutes later) in the carpool line waiting for Zach. She took a good nap at home and it gave Zach and I time to do his homework, talk and play. It was nice and she woke up in an awesome mood.

The kids were in great moods at dinner and ate a lot...Brandon has been home late the last 2-3 weeks...it is "match" time at his job...matching people to jobs...his time home has ranged from 6:30-10:30. So the kids were thrilled to see him.

Here is Zach all full of smiles after a good dinner...

Erin and I...she is all about smiling for photos now...so cute.
Hopefully more excitement to come tomorrow...

I will leave with one funny story about Zachary. He came home from school yesterday, Ash Wednesday (we are Catholic and have been going to church for a while now with him)...he said that he went to the library at school and got a book that I would like and so would grandpa...I opened his book bag and saw the book and smiled...Passover. Out of all the books in a Texas school library my son on Ash Wednesday brought home the book on Passover...his Jewish roots are coming through. :) I love it.

Weekend Recap...3 days!

So my weekend...didn't go as planned, but turned out to be pretty great after all. One of my closest friends was heading this way to visit her husband who is here in SA doing AF training. He was Brandon's college roommate and BF...we were so excited for this visit after 5 years of not seeing each other. Well it didn't happen. Poor Renee had weather plague her trip and grounded her in SC...then when she was about to take off...airplane trouble and she had to just scrap the trip. I was so disappointed and sad not to see her, but so sad for her not to get to see her husband. They have been apart more than together it seems and I hate that she had high hopes for a fun weekend alone with him and it fell apart. She deserved this trip!

So, we had to change our plans. I was pretty bummed when we got the news on Saturday she wasn't coming and was trying for Sunday. We had planned a night out Saturday and since she wasn't able to go we went alone. Brandon and I tried a sushi place in New Braunfels and went to a movie, Valentine's Day. Dinner was awesome and glad we found a good sushi spot. CA spoiled me in that sense. The movie was funny, but the theatre was a bit ghetto fabulous. The kids did well with the sitter too...it is great that we are taking advantage of living in a place that we can go out and do things. I am so thankful for that. The time together is really something we missed in CA.

Saturday day we decided to take the kids to the park...it was sunny for the first time in over a week, so we went and had a picnic and played. It was great and the kids had fun. The park was quiet, but we had a fun time together. It was also a great way to wear out the kids for the sitter. :) I didn't realize until we were there how much we have missed our park days. When we lived in CA we went all the time. We had a park in walking distance from our first base house and literally, I went everyday if not twice a day with Zach those first two years. When Erin was born we went less, and it was more about Zach being in school than anything else. Then when we moved to the newer house on base the park was a longer walk. Zach loved to ride his bike, but some days it was just too windy for him to go that far...the park we loved we couldn't walk to anymore, so we had to drive, which isn't the same really. Some how it took the fun out of it. We got an playset for the backyard and I tell you, it got its money's worth from us. We went out there all the time. But I will admit, I miss walking to the park daily with the kids, playing and enjoying the fresh air, sun and being able to play.

Here are some photos from the park adventure...

Erin on the slide...

She is a ball of fun...this child never stops and is full of emotions...sometimes good, sometimes bad, but you always know how she feels and that to me is a good thing.
My little man had fun too...he wasn't as animated as Erin, but he enjoyed his day out a lot!
Erin found a little girl, okay the only other child there, to bug and follow around....
Mommy and her special guy. :)
Zach kept asking for help on the swing...he struggles a lot with swinging on his own...Erin offered to push...she is such a sweet sister to him.
Erin and the other girl playing in the fire truck, Erin is on the right.

Sunday we were waiting to see if Renee made it in and didn't make too many plans...I ran a quick errand out by myself and then came home to clean up and do things here. Zach and Brandon headed out to a fun mini golf place that he had been asking to go to...green acres! They both had a blast. Go Carts, Golf, games...he was so happy when he came home. He had a great day. Sunday was his first day on his full medication dose. He seemed to do well on it and was less fidgety from what we saw at home.

Yesterday we went to Artworks...a great place I found here! You take your child for Open Art on Mondays and for $5 they can do all the art projects they want for 2 hours. It was fun. I had gone with Erin, but never taken Zach and Brandon got to join us. Both kids had a blast and I am thinking of signing Zach up for some classes...we will see how his tball schedule is before we make plans, but I think it would be a good idea for a summer thing. He seemed to get a kick out of it.

After that we drove to Build A Bear...the kids were thrilled. I really didn't think it would be this big of a hit, but it was. I was shocked to be honest. Zach made a great choice...a cute puppy dog and chose all the accessories himself and named him Brownie. I thought it was the cutest choice for a boy who has loved his own dog so much. He picked out a dog bed too and Brownie even slept with him last night.

Erin being Erin started to choose a white dog with red and blue stars on it. I told her no and tried to encourage her to get a cute kitty cat...I thought she would love it. Oh no...she was stuck on the damn dog with stars. Finally I saw a frog and showed it to her and she loved it. I can do a frog. So she got Froggie and I helped accessorize her...If Erin had her way the darn Frog would have been clothed in some interesting items. Needless to say the kids both got the same amount of items and their frog and dog cost the same, so that was great. They even took them to lunch with us after. So cute.

Here are some photos of them with the build a bear goodies!

Zach asleep last night...I didn't turn on the lights, the flash just does that good of a job...notice Brownie to his left between him and the nightstand.

Zach and Brownie...he loves him!
He was showing Brownie how cool google earth was this morning before breakfast...
Erin and Froggie this AM before she headed out to school. (sorry for her bedhead hair). She loves this frog and even took him to school to show her friend Alyssa. So cute...

It was a great weekend...I was so disappointed not to see Renee, but we got out and had fun and really did some cool things with the kids...I love San Antonio!

Today in recap...

This was Rodeo week in San Antonio so they had the kids dress up in Rodeo attire...Zach wore boots and a cowboy hat on Wednesday and looked oh so cute! Oh I love that face. He was so proud of himself and happy to show off his rodeo wear.

Today we had the follow up ARD (IEP) for him to go over his goals and the substitute folder. The school was super nice to us and really was helpful this go around, so I can't complain. I was very pleased with what we got accomplished and how many items we asked for and received from them. I spoke at length to the OT after the meeting. He isn't working with Zach since Zach doesn't qualify for school based OT, but he will consult on things for him. He had observed him and had a lot of things to share that he saw and noticed. I liked him a lot and am so glad to have his ideas to work with...looking forward to getting more feedback from him. Zachary will have a sub on the 25th, so we will see how the new plan works for him and how that day goes. I think the new plan has a lot of options and chances for Zach to succeed with a sub in the room and I am hoping he does well.

I had lunch with him and a friend and then came home sick with a headache and nauseous. I went to get Erin at 2 from school. She had a Valentine party today and I took a photo of her and two friends. She looked very pretty today and seemed to have a lot of fun, but was very tired. I chose to go straight to school to get Zach early so we could all go home and rest. I was done, Erin was done and even Zach was tired and spacey today. No one was really sure they saw any difference with the medication in him, so we will continue the trial one more week...if no changes for the good we will discontinue it for now. No one said it was worse, but no one said they could see a difference either. 9 days in a row on green!!!

Here is Erin with two friends, Alyssa, Erin and Kyle!

Erin and her daddy tonight.
All in all a good week and I am glad to have some results with the school and hopefully good changes continue...

Off to bed tonight early I hope...

Quick Update

A quick update from here...No real information to share as of yet. Day one on the medicine seemed to go fine, but without more details from the school and teacher it is hard to know if there was anything they noticed different in him. He did tell me he felt fine all day, so that is good. He also did say he wasn't very hungry hungry at lunch. He was on green again, so that is a record 7 days in a row for him. We skipped OT last night...I just wanted to hang out with him and see how he was after the day. Plus when he has OT and no speech they keep him there a whole hour for OT and he usually leaves grumpy and worn out from an hour working on that stuff. I figured it wasn't the day for that. We stayed in a played Mario Cart, at dinner, did lots of home work and projects at dinner time for school. He was in good spirits. Brandon came home late, 10 PM...so the kids and I had a low key night in alone. Work for Brandon has been non stop this time of year...it is time to do the assignments for the summer moves. BUSY and stressful for him.

Zach has a spelling test on Friday for his new reading group/class. He is super excited and knows all of his words. He also has to bring a book home Thursday to read and go over with me and return Friday. I am loving this new reading group and so is he. You can tell he is excited about it every day. Tonight he has social group at his speech place...then we will work on Valentines for both kids to bring to school. Brandon and I head back to the ARD table tomorrow...hopefully we will sign it and be done.

Erin went to preschool in pullups...she came home in the same pair she left in...went in the potty twice there and never wet her pull up. Yeah Erin. Not as good at home, we went poop last night in the pull up...but we are making progress. :)

So hopefully at the ARD we can get some clues to his behavior on the meds and see what they think...interesting to see what is said.

No easy choice...

Today I took Zachary back to BAMC to meet with his developmental pediatrician. After months of wresting with the topic of medicating him for "ADD" I brought it up with him again. His teachers seem to be pushing this on him and on us...that his biggest issue at school is fidgeting, destractible, impulsively and not being able to stay on task. We see it at home too and know it is an issue. But we have also been told that because he has Autism it is likely a cause of his sensory issues. That he is over or under stimulated and then seeks those senses in behaviors that look like ADD. Either way when you are told by a teacher that she has to redirect him about 12 times in on hour, that is a lot.

I am completely torn. I would do anything to help him. If there was a magic pill that could make things easier for him, I would find it. But I don't want to change him. I am adamant when I say that the child I have is the child I want. He has his issues, don't get me wrong. Some days they are worse than others. Some moments I am heartbroken to watch him struggle with things that should be normal, easy tasks. But on no day would I trade him in for a "fixed" version. That version wouldn't be Zachary.

As I sat and listened to the doctor tell me about the drugs and choices for him I stared at my son. He played on Brandon's IPOD a game of skeet ball and was oblivious to the fact I was deciding what drugs would be best for him. I have had several friends with ADD. I have seen them on and off drugs. I have researched this topic many nights. I have listened to the teachers and therapists complain about his fidgeting. I have been frustrated to no end on some days when he won't sit still. But, the discussion of giving him a drug is different from actually doing it.

I read the list of side effects...some are not ones I am sure are ones we will be able to tolerate. One big one is loss of appetite. Zach is already tiny for his age...not even 40 lbs at 5 1/2 years old. I am scared that he will loose the fun, silly and bubbly parts of Zachary that make me smile in my worst moments. The parts of this child that are literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...I am so torn. I feel like no matter what I choose I won't be happy with the result. I feel like I owe it to him and his teachers to see if the drugs can help him in school to stay on task and focuses. It can't be fun to be told to do something over and over again. It won't be easier on him as he gets older to be the child that is always corrected by the teacher and unable to finish his work on time. But, I refuse to lose the little boy that I adore in order to make him an easier student.

Tomorrow we are supposed to start the first dose...one week on a half does and then move it up to see how he tolerates it. Apparently the dose is key, as all kids react differently to it and kids on the spectrum are even harder to gage. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it and what choice is best. I am trying to have faith that we will know what is right and it will all be fine. But right now I just feel so confused. Moments like this it is clear to me how hard it is to be a parent and responsible for making the best decision for your child.

Weekend Roundup...

After such a stellar week with Zach we decided to give him his request for his reward, bowling. We have tried to go with Erin before and it has always been bad, so this time we set out again with hopes she would participate and oh did she. Both kids had a blast. We went on base and ate lunch, bowled two games and had a fun time. Erin used the slide and had a red ball...she was all about the red ball. So fun. Zach loved that we all played with him and he did well too...although I did notice that the loud music, lots of lots and displays with pictures, colors and other stimulating things took its toll on him by the end of the time there...just a lot for a kiddo with sensory issues to take in and remain focused. It became very obvious at the end of game one that he was struggling with some of the lights in the room and objects on the screens...Again a reminder of as well as he is doing and as far as we have come, some things are just going to be struggles.

We then hit the commissary...No words...I just really have a hard time at this commissary....big and lots of items, but the people that shop there are frustrating...enough said.

We went to church Saturday night instead of our usual Sunday AM. Mass on Sunday is at 8 or 11:30, so we either are not up in time or it cuts into the meat of the day. Saturday Erin didn't nap, so we knew she would be a bit more difficult than normal. Both kids were pretty awful. It wasn't fun. But, the music was better and priest was better, so we will try Saturday again...

Bowling photos...

Yesterday was cloudy, cold and looked like it was going to pour rain any second...of course it is pouring today. We stayed in, cleaned, did laundry, ate yummy food for the super bowl. Zach played more Mario Cart...ridiculous how many hours he can sit on that things if left to do it. I had him and Erin do kids yoga with me...It was funny. They both tried it all and had fun and it is a good way to get them to pay attention and do some fun things. We will continue the yoga days for sure...I love it!
Tomorrow I am off to see the developmental doctor at BAMC...I plan to ask again about the options of medication for Zach. We continue to hear from teachers and therapists that we should try a form of ADD medication to help him fidget less in school and stay on task, limit impulses and be able to concentrate. We are willing to do this, but need a doctor to agree as well. So far we have been told these struggles are related to Autism and won't be cured by ADD meds. However, we know that ADD and Autism are often a dual diagnosis and that we won't know if it can help him unless we try it. Hopefully I can get some answers.

Sadly we are doing to be back at the ARD table on Thursday AM for another ARD meeting to go over the items we thought we went over last time. UGH. They want us to show them the substitute folder and go over more details of that...we want them to have it in the ARD how they will implement these things. So here we go again...

I am off to run some errands with little Erin today...yucky and rainy, but we must get things done anyway...

Great week...

This week was a good week. A great week for Zachary. I can't tell you how special that feels after some bumps in the road...it is nice to feel like things are back on track, see changes and feel relief.

We had a lot of rain, so miss Erin and I were in the house more than she might have like. I took the time yesterday to clean my house...got a lot rooms cleaned that needed it and felt great when it was over...Erin needless to say destroyed my other rooms while I wasn't watching...standard. Now to see how many hours until my hard work is destroyed.

Here is Erin playing with her dollhouse...what you don't see is that every dress up item she owns is on the floor and the entire room is a disaster.But those pigtails are cute.
Smiley face girl...
My rock band addicts.
Dad and Zach are super serious about this....Erin comes and goes.
Mommy and Erin....she likes pictures now and is all about Cheese!
Zach and I cuddling last night, watching tv. He and had a slumber party night. We started this tradition when Brandon deployed as a way to encourage good behavior. Living at Edwards there wasn't a lot to bribe the poor child with...so I started this and it was a big deal...we both love these nights. He had a great week and earned this one!
Zachary came home yesterday on green...5 days in a row. Not sure that has every happened. He was thrilled, I was thrilled. We had a nice therapy session with Carrie (the ABA therapist). He was tired from a long week, but worked hard. He had a fun time playing Mario Cart and then Brandon brought dinner home...yeah!!! Chuy's is a family favorite. They all then went to play rock band and I cleaned up. It was a good night. Erin and Zach were in great moods and we all had a lot of fun.

Zach is supposed to go bowling today...he is thrilled. That was his reward request. He was just so good this week, I am so proud of him.

So today we will go bowling somewhere. I have some grocery shopping to do and I some more chores here. Brandon and I will watch our netflix movie tonight, finally too! Should be a good day!

More rain...but I think rain might be working for us!

Rain is not fun for being stuck inside all day, a dog that won't pee, the mud and yuck that is now my yard...but funny thing is, rain has been good for us this week. I can't lie, I think I might be on to something.

Zachary had his 100th day of school today. 100 days since he started Kindergarten. I can hardly believe it. I was so freaked out his first day of school I am not sure I sat still one minute the whole day until I had him back safely in my car. I was scared he would get lost, he would be sad, he wouldn't be able to speak his mind, something would scare him, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't make friends, you name it, I worried about it. I was shocked and thrilled when he came home and was fine...no, he wasn't fine, he was great. He has really blossomed this year. He loves his school, his teach, his friends. I am so proud of him. I can't begin to share how this child make me feel. I have said since he was little that with Zach every pain he has had has been more painful and every joy has been more joyful. It is almost like things with him are amplified for me. Erin is by far the more dramatic of the two, but with Zach I feel his emotions right to my core...right along with him.

He had a great day. I went and ate lunch with him at school. He told his friends that he wanted to eat alone with me which I was thrilled. It is nice to see him with a friend, but I can't lie, I like my time alone with my pal. He and I had a nice talk and he really interacted with me. We spoke about twins, he has identical ones in his class...the mom dresses them the same and I have no idea how anyone knows who they are. He told me he wished he was a twin with Erin. I laughed and said oh no, you are too good of a big brother to her, it is perfect this way. He then told me, no I still want to be a twin...I want to make you little mom and you can be my twin. I swear he can melt my heart.

He came home today on green...4 days in a row...that might be a new record. He gets to go bowling this weekend if he stays on for the whole week...come on Zach!

I had two teachers stop and tell me how sweet he was as I was leaving and that meant a lot. I worry so much that some people find him difficult or a challenge, but it is obvious these two ladies see the good in him and know he is a special boy.

He came home and had an afternoon to do nothing...no therapy...so we did Mario Cart all night. He had a blast and that was what it was all about.

Erin had a big day too. She went to school and when I got there to pick her up she was in Miss Sherry's arms. I worried right away that she was sick, but no, she just wanted Miss Sherry and not mommy. Drama Erin at her best...I did get a nice surprise that she went potty 2 times at school today and was told to wear pull ups next week so they can encourage her to go on her own more. I was thrilled. Yeah Erin! My baby is now so big and it is really hard some days not to get upset about that. But, days like this it is so amazing to see how much she is learning and doing.

I am trying to figure out what to do with her next fall. She is in a Kids Day Out program. She enjoys it and everyone there is nice. I am not sure if the program is the best, but it is a nice place and I feel good with her there. I am thinking of moving her to a preschool in a near by city...I looked at it last year and heard great things about it. It has a reputation of being the best in the area and registration is usually insane. But, the reviews from moms are all that it is a great program and their kids loved it. I think I owe it to her to sign her up if I can get her in the registration. I am not sure if I should put her in both that and the KDO and let her be gone 4 days a week. I am not sure if I am ready for that. So many choices. Funny to say that after 4 years of no choices...

So...it was a good week for us...lots of good things...I can't complain about the rain if this is what it brings. :)

Rainy, but a little sunny too!

Well today was a miserable rainy, foggy and cold day. Nothing really was important enough for me to get out in the rain and do, so we (Erin and myself) stayed in. The day was pretty boring and sadly unproductive. I could get nine million things done home alone with Zach for a day...Erin, not so much. She is into everything, wants and needs something and just in general doesn't leave me alone long enough to pee much less tackle chores. Her new phrase of choice is, "Why Mommy?" She is so me it is frightening. So I did like 2 things on my list of 25 and called it good. Tried a play idea with her, went over like a ton of bricks...so that one won't be tried again. Instead we colored a bit, played hungry hippos, did dress up, watched more tv than we both enjoyed...destroyed and cleaned up things...you get the idea. Poor Sally spent most of the day needing to go potty and being completely freaked out by the rain to venture out. She is pathetic. I went out with an umbrella and she still sat there and stared at me like I was nuts. I felt nuts. Maybe she is smarter than we think.

The day really dragged on...I am starting to get a cold and pumping vitamins to no end. My pee is now rainbow colored from them all...I wanted nothing more than to sit and be lazy. Again I had no idea how easy I had it with Zach at this age...granted I didn't know it was abnormal and not so good he played so well alone, it worked well for days like this. We finally left to get him from school...Erin passed out as soon as the car stopped in the carpool pick up line. She is so predictable. It worked out fine since he had to go back to New Braunfels for a social group tonight...he does speech and OT there on Tuesday nights, so to go back tonight wasn't my first idea of fun, but he needs it and we are committed. It is a 6 week program...1 hour one night a week and we pay out of pocket for this...so he is going. He is in a group with 3 other kids, all somewhere on the spectrum with similar issues and needs to be addressed. He was super excited to go and meet new friends. So, I was excited for him.

He got in the car and whispered (he learned yesterday what a big mistake it is to wake Erin by being loud and then having her go to speech and be grumpy)...so today we whispered (i love that he loves rules). He told me that he was on green again...that people is 3 days in a row. He was so happy and I was sad that I couldn't scream with excitement for him. He deserved it. He has had a great week. Eye contact, sharing of information, no tantrums...just overall good week and very on the planet as we like to say.

So he told me a bit about his day....read his mail and then looked through some new books I had bought...ate his apple and we got there a few minutes early. I walked him and left Erin in the car...she was snoring. He told me I could go and he would stay for his group. The ladies in charge where there and said it was fine. I went back in an hour later...Erin still snoring...he had done well and was smiling ear to ear. They worked on conversations tonight. How to start one and then how to maintain them. All things he needs a lot of help with and apparently the rest of the group does too. So excited for him and for this group. I hope he gains more understanding of his abilities to do these things in his every day life. I am so excited for the doors this might open for him.

So despite the rain and nasty weather, I had a ray of sunshine in my day, his name is Zachary. I swear that child is amazing.

Revisions...

We had the revised ARD (IEP) at Zach's school today. We have had several issues arise that have caused us to be concerned that the last ARD was just not going to work for Zach and for continuation of his progress. Most parents probably would feel like having a label taken off your child is a wonderful moment, but reality is they didn't say he was cured, they simply said they didn't see that it was affecting him at school. We however do. We went back in today minus our advocate...she bailed. I was upset and scared that they would fight us on a lot of things.

First priority we wanted his diagnosis to be changed back to Autism being the criteria for which he is a child with special needs. They had limited it to speech, which as we all know is only a small part of this overall picture. We had compiled lots of information about things that have occurred since school has begun. We asked for the teacher to bring data about the number of times he is being redirected in the classroom and the speech therapist brought her own as well. The teacher hadn't given us the information before, but did have it available and the results were very evident. In a certain amount of time (not for sure if it was an afternoon or hour, really forgot that part), Zach was redirected 6 times individually. The class as a whole (which in turn includes Zach) was redirected 6 times and there were 11 other redirect ions to other students. So in total he had 12...that is a lot. The committee was in agreement that was more than average even though the teacher wouldn't say that specifically. We also discussed the day of the sub...oh that day was awful. We discussed in detail how devastated he was after that day and that there needs to be a plan in place to help him and the sub know what steps to take to accommodate him. He does still struggle with changes, and this is an example of that. The speech pathologist pointed out that Zach sits up front in class and at circle time..helps him be in front of the class, less distractions between him and Mrs. Key and also keeps him closer to her for her to redirect him better. An accommodation that is taking place, but not being noted. Not that I blame the teacher, in fact I think she is a great teacher. I just think she didn't realize how much she was already doing to help him. The changes she was making to address his needs were great, but without them being accounted for in his ARD no one knows and thinks he is fine. Able to function just the same as his peers.

We discussed his social skills and needs for those to be addressed and worked on in more depth. He also will have a behavior intervention plan or BIP in place. To help on days that he is super fidgety or even spacey...ideas to help him if he needs Stem time.

Overall we asked for a lot of changes, but they all had to start with the change in Autism being his criteria for special ed and they changed it. The rest was all asked for and agreed to with no argument. His ABA therapist that we have privately will even be allowed to go into the school and work with him.

I can't tell you what a relief this is for us. I have been so scared about this meeting and once the advocate backed out I thought we were done. We did bring them muffins again, but also placed a tape recorder on the table...amazing how much more amenable people can be when they are being taped. I am excited to see these changes start to take place and hopefully they will be helpful to him and the school. He will stay in the gen ed classroom (least restrictive environment), he will get special ed inclusion support. Meaning a special ed teacher will be in charge of monitoring him and his needs. I am thrilled with that. She is a super nice lady and will be observing him regularly and working with him and his teacher on ways to address his biggest issues in class.

So overall it went wonderfully. The changes made will make it easier for Zachary to succeed in school, but also for us to obtain private services (like his OT and speech), for him to transition into other grades without so many huge issues. It is a legal document too, so they have to follow it and that makes us feel so much better.

Brandon and I really feel good about how things went. I am so thankful for the support, prayers and well wishes that everyone sent us. Zachary is an amazing little boy and he has done so much work to be successful. I am so honored to be his mom and to be able to go to a meeting like this and share his story and fight for his rights. I don't know where Zachary will be when he is 18...I don't know what the future holds for him. But, I do know that no matter what happens I will be there with him. I will support and love him no matter what his future holds. Right now I just want to make sure that the future he has is based on what he chooses. I don't want him to ever be told he can't do something or not be given the tools to reach his potential. I have seen what this boy can do in the 2 and a half years since his diagnosis. He is amazing in every sense of the word.

So we made revisions and hope for good, positive and successful changes.

Here I am Lord...

I don't usually put out there my feelings on Church or Religion...For a lot of reasons. I in no way shape or form want to push my feelings or thoughts on others and I can't stand when people do that to me. I just think it is private and personal...but with that said this is my blog and those of you that read it, are close and personal people in my life and know I am sharing, not shoving my views. We as a family have really been enjoying our new church and all that it brings to our life having that time together. I have to say a lot of days in Catholic Mass the sermons don't speak to me and the hymns and readings aren't always the most powerful...well yesterday the sermon wasn't as on target to my way of thinking, which happens a lot at the Catholic church, but part I have learned to not getting bothered by and hear the parts that matter...the meaning. Yesterday was a bit different though, both the reading and hymn were awesome...

The reading was from my wedding and one most of us have heard a million times...I dare say one of the most "famous" parts of the bible to be used in times like weddings...

Love is patient,
love is kind.

It is not jealous,
it is not pompous,
it is not inflated,
it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered,
it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

Love never fails.

I love that reading and it always is a good one to hear...to reaffirm. It was a great talking point with Zachary too...how no matter how much we as parents get frustrated with our children, have to discipline them, raise our voice or even be disappointed in their choices, we always love them. Our love is strong and it is sure and we don't stop loving even when we are upset. I think he got that and it was a wonderful chance to discuss those emotions with him. Those moments are why going to church as a family was so important to us.

The other part of church that was moving and wonderful was the hymn they sang before communion. One of my all time favorites in church and Brandon's too, so it was a good mix of the two. I copied the words, not to push anything on anyone, but because I thought they were so pretty.

1.
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Chorus
Here am I, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

2.
I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my words to them.
Whom shall I send?

Chorus

3.
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will send the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.

Finest bread I will provide,
'Til their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

I love days when we go to church and leave thinking or feeling...the chance to talk about the bigger things with Zachary or even between ourselves.

I have a lot on my mind with Zach's ARD tomorrow...I need a little faith that it will all work out and I am hopeful God will hear my prayers and answer my fears...