M.I.A.

Well I have been a bit M.I.A. since my last post....I was on such a good role on here too. For those that check, sorry for my absence. This week, like many around here, just got busy.

Brandon has been working around the clock on assignments...he got tasked with more people just a few weeks ago and assignments for the summer are all due to be completed this week, so he has been at work non stop...literally...he didn't get home until 3 AM last night. So much for the 9-5 job here, right? So I have been busy with the kids and getting all the stuff done.

We had an okay week, but Zach has been off...He seems to be doing okay at school, but at home we are struggling. Being lazy about things and expecting us to do so much more for him than we should at this point...he is in reality spoiled that we tend to drop it all and help him. Erin is much more self sufficient as a result having to be. He demands a lot, mostly from me. I am having to step back this week and realize that while I have done it because I love him and want to help, I feel sorry for him, I think it is my job, etc...I am simply making it harder for him to learn to do for himself. Telling him no now is hard for both of us.

I have also seen and heard things in him that are painful. Reality is that Autism affects children's social functioning...I know that, yet I am still shocked and hurt when he says and does things. He often lacks that empathy...Zach lives in a world that is very much about Zach. While I know he loves me, there are days that I think he would love anyone that did my job. That fed, clothes, cleaned up after, drove around and did all the mom duties...he would love that they took care of him. I realized that last night he doesn't really think about me, my feelings or needs. Just a series of events occurred that were eye opening. I won't lie...it made me cry.

See that is the part of this that I am so not equipped to handle. The part that on days like yesterday is angry. Angry at who, I have no idea, but angry. Maybe at the damn travel agent that sent me to the wrong country. Maybe at myself for not having the patience he deserves, the ability to not yell and be angry, to look at him and accept the good with the bad even when the bad is all we are seeing. Maybe I am just angry. I have no idea. But it isn't easy to have your child react the way he does sometimes and not feel something.

Example of our night....He was swinging in the back yard last night and Erin was playing in her sand box...I told both of them to be careful about nine times. I asked Zach if he would come in ten minutes for dinner, I would make grilled cheese...we were running late since the therapist stayed 30 minutes late. He told me no, he wanted mac n cheese...so as always I go and make it. I wasn't in the house two seconds and heard screaming. Him to be exact yelling at Erin. She was on the ground crying and he was yelling at her for getting in the way of his swing. I went and pulled them apart...I asked what happened and of course he was hysterical that it was her fault, etc. It was very clear that he was upset she caused him to stop swinging, but not that she got hurt. I told him it was an accident and that means no one is wrong, we just need to be more careful. He continued to say it was Erin's fault and she should go in so he can swing. Ugh...I just hate moments like this. I told him to go inside we were done swinging...crying, stomping and attitude followed. Next up, homework while dinner finished...lots of attitude...just going downhill fast. Back and forth from time out with lots more yelling and screaming. I then serve them their dinners and sit...Erin looks over and asks,"Where's your dinner mommy?" I told her I would eat later, I wasn't hungry for mac n cheese and daddy wasn't home to eat with. Zach never noticed I wasn't eating. It continued thru bath and bedtime...every thing was a fight or battle last night. I finally told him that I was done for the night and he could finish getting himself to bed since up to that point ever time I did or said anything he got upset with me...I closed his door and went down stairs feeling awful. I then hear him screaming help. Ran upstairs to find him in bed with his blanket on, bellowing, "You need to turn on my noise machine, I can't reach it from my bed". Sigh....this is how it is...

I know it sounds minimal...I know it isn't a big deal...but when your 2 year old is more willing to try to do things, notices things, helps...it is hard not to be more aware of what your older child isn't doing. Isn't trying to do or capable of doing. It is sometimes more than I can handle. I cried and I just felt defeated. I don't want to fight with him, but I also can't continue to bend over backwards and do everything for him. Reality is some days it is hard to see that he is all consumed in his head with himself...it doesn't affect him or bother him when the rest of us are in a bad place. It is hard not be so deeply saddened at that. And while I know that is part of what is wrong with him, a part I will never be able to change, I am struggling right now with my ability to accept it.

I am not sure some days if I am coming close to doing this right. To being a good mom to him the way I need to be. Some days I just feel like I butt heads with him all day. I try more than he will ever know...having him involved in all the stuff he does, it is time consuming for the whole family. Our afternoons and nights are busy all week with stuff for him. I do it because i love him and want to help. But it takes its toll on all of us. I am wound so tight when it comes to him it isn't funny. (this is not the time to start telling me to calm down, relax, etc...I know I need all that, but seriously have no idea who to fit that in). I am not depressed...that would have been a good term for some of my time in CA I think. I am just full of emotions that I have no idea what to do with...

So I went and saw my doctor yesterday about my strange right leg that has had issues for ten years with numbness...now it has new sensations and I am going to see a neurologist again and another specialist...so we will see. I like this doctor and just spoke to him about my life...the issues with my acne, hair falling out, headaches, etc. I know it is likely to be all stress, but when do I have the time to address that and to take a break. I can't take a break from the stress within, the worry, the guilt, the ongoing frustration over things I can't control. So, I asked him if I could speak to someone about it...it is time I take the time to take care of me. It isn't easy for me to ask for help. But, I also know I have 2 children and a husband that need the best me there is. I owe it to them and to myself to stop and allow myself the chance to deal with all the emotions I have been feeling for the past few years. Telling me to calm down and relax isn't the answer...I need to address how I feel and really let myself feel, so I can move on and be the best Susan I can be. So, for those who like my honesty, there it is...I can't get more honest than this. I love my children with all of my heart and just want to learn how to be okay with the life we have...Maybe someone else who is objective can see what I can't.

So today I am hoping that I can start to put the pieces together and work on things...slowly but surely I will get there. I refuse to give up on Zachary, and I need to not give up on me either.