Getting so big...

She is simply getting too big too fast for me.

I am having a hard time realizing Zachary will be 6 at the end of next month, but harder still is the thought of Erin turning 3.

I can't really wrap my head around it. Where did the time go? It can't be possible that she has been in my life for 3 years already. I am sure almost every parent feels like this with their second. You do so much for the first that you simply don't have the time (or energy) to do for the second. You forget to video tape things, take pictures, and document so many moments. With your first child you were hovering and all over every first they had. But I just feel like time has flown with her...too fast for me to be honest.

I was three weeks from my c-section date when we went to UCLA for Zach's evaluation. We spent the summer Erin was born working on getting him evaluated and dealing with numerous issues with him. He was behaviorally not in a good place after she was born. I struggled a lot with him that summer and thankfully Erin was the easiest baby. She ate, burped and slept like a champ. She was happy and cried so little that it was almost terrifying the first few times she did. She was just easy. I never worried about leaving her with friends or my family, because she was self explanatory. Zachary had so many issues with colic, reflux, how he slept, etc. It was a very different experience with Erin.

The fall after she was born was busy getting Zach into a preschool in Palmdale, then speech and then his evaluation with the school district. His first IEP meeting at the school I held Erin in my arms while they gave me Zach's diagnosis. A friend watched him for me, and I took her with me. I was alone. She was quiet, still and so sweet. She was the calm that kept me from falling apart. I knew that what they told me was the truth, I was actually expecting it. But I don't think I could have been prepared enough for the moment someone told me my child had Autism. It was simple...they told me the results of his test scores, their findings and offered him 30 minutes a week of speech therapy. That was it. I just stared at her and hoped we would figure it out, we would be okay.

The next year was a lot of running back and forth to therapies, schools and working at home with him on things. I learned techniques from his therapists and did them at home. I bought videos, books and therapy tools and spent hours working with him every day. Erin would sit with us and just be content being around. She never complained. It was almost like she knew he needed more from me and I only had so much I could give. She would have her time one day and she knew how much she meant to me, but she let him be the priority.

Nothing changed as she got bigger, she has continued to be a sweet and easy child. No, she isn't perfect. I can list her flaws and tell you about our struggles with getting her potty trained (still not happening as it should). But, I do feel blessed that she is in our life.

I always call her my gift and Zach my purpose. Erin was a surprise. I love surprises. I firmly believe that she was a gift to me at a time I had no idea that I needed one. She was a great distraction from the fear and overwhelming frustration I felt with Zach. We were dealing with so much with him and felt so lost. Erin came along at the perfect time to keep us from being lost in that sadness. I also know that after Zach was diagnosed I might not have been as willing or ready to get pregnant. No one knows what causes Autism, but I am a believer that Zach was born the way he is and over time his environment added to the development of it. I could easily have another child with the same issues and at that time I think I would have been to scared. To think what I would have missed out on if I didn't have another child.

Erin's birth was a fantastic gift to all of us, but i think most of all to Zachary. He adores her, and she adores him. He is the most important person in her world. She has been a wonderful benefit to him and I think just her being in his life brought improvements.

I know that she came at the right time for me, but I hate that so much of her first 2 years were spent with me running around and having so little time to just enjoy her. It feels like it has gone by far too fast and I didn't absorb those memories the same way I did with him.

She has gotten so big and is doing so many things that just blow me away. It is hard not to notice what she is doing at almost 3 that he wasn't. Her birthday is a bit bittersweet. She turns 3, the same age Zach was when he was diagnosed. It marks 3 years of us on this journey with him. I can't help but to pause and be aware of that. He has come so far in 3 years and every day we celebrate it. Likewise, in 3 years look how far she has come.

I am just so thankful for her...the best surprise I have ever gotten. I might not like that she is getting so big, because it means my baby isn't a baby anymore, but I am loving the little girl that she is becoming.