Looking back and moving forward...Autism style!

Light it up Blue!!!! We did!

Last year I wrote a blog post about a poem I had been sent...the story of a mom describing what it feels like to have a child with Autism. For those that don't remember it compared it to planning a trip to Italy and then arriving in Holland. I love that poem and it does totally fit how it feels for me.

I am actually extremely blessed. My travel agent was good enough to send me to Holland and to Italy. I have had the pleasure of seeing the beauty of both places and I am not sure I could tell you I love one more than the other, because they are both amazing.

I can't lie, Italy is easier. Italy is fun, sweet, and highly entertaining. Italy is honestly just an easy place to hang out, talk, have fun and be happy. But Holland is more of a challenge. A good challenge. One that makes you feel better about yourself and who you are while you are there. A challenge that makes you want to go back again and again. It is a beautiful breath taking place...unique, different, and amazing.

I am not sure how many times I have said the phrase, "I wouldn't change Zachary if I could". I am sure at least 100. Maybe part of my reluctance to believe that vaccines caused Autism in him is my lack of desire to know what did it. Why does it matter. If I can't change it, why dwell on what caused it. See that is one part of my guilt I don't have...I don't think I caused this. Both of my children were given vaccines and both reacted with little to no issues...mild fever and discomfort was about it. Being angry about what caused it doesn't change what it is.

I wouldn't change Zach in the sense that I wouldn't not want him in my life. But I guess when I think about it, I am sort of trying to change him or else I wouldn't be sending him to therapies and working with him so much on issues. I guess it is a fine line, between wanting to help give him the skills to cope and survive and wanting to change the person he is. Sure he is a challenge, but never a burden.

Ironically I sometimes feel like Erin got the short end of the stick. So much time, effort and energy is focused on Zachary. We are just blown away at the things he does and learns and when we have worked on something so long and he finally gets it...wow it is a huge deal. With Erin, she just has done things. (Minus potty training) I remember spending months with Zach working on him using a fork. He still can't use a spoon very well. With Erin...one day she showed interest in my utensils at dinner and I simply gave her a set of baby ones. She used them. There was nothing done, it just happened. I can't even tell you how old she was when I did that...I charted so many of Zach's first moments that I can tell you down to the day. So that makes me feel a bit guilty with Erin. I know she doesn't know any better, but I do. I wish I could let her know that her accomplishments are as big of deal in the way I have with Zach, but she is just that child that does it with ease and really is a sweet soul. She loves her brother so much and cheers for him as hard as I do.

Today I realize how lucky I am. I have an amazing little boy and little girl. I am not going to sit here and lie and say this is easy. It isn't. I am not a perfect mom. I yell, I get frustrated, I argue, I cry, I feel defeated. But I refuse to give up on him and on myself. I will continue to screw up and make mistakes...regret choices and second guess myself. That is just who I am and part of being human. But I will continue to work hard to be better and give my all when I can.

Autism is part of our family...a big part. But it doesn't define him and it doesn't define all that we are. We live with it. We face new challenges it brings to us as he is getting older. His "issues" are changing and we are realizing we have new challenges to tackle.

I am not sure why God bestowed this blessing on me...I so often don't feel worthy of him. I hope that one day he can tell me how he felt and what he knew. That I can fully understand his world and him. Each day he is able to give us more of an idea of what it feels like and we are trying to use that to guide our choices and decisions. Brandon and I might butt heads, but we are in this together. The stress of being in the military is one thing...add on the stress of a child with special needs is a new ballgame. I won't lie, it is hard on our marriage. But we both love Zachary to the end of the earth and would do ANYTHING for him. I am so thankful to go through this journey with him.

I thank all of you for reading this...wearing blue today...give me your love, support and encouragement. You don't really know just how much it means to me. I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family I am lucky enough to have.

And to Zachary...you are the greatest gift to not only me, but everyone that has the honor to meet and know you. You will do great things in this life, I have no doubt. I wish you nothing but happiness, in whatever form that is for you, I will be there smiling along side of you. I will always be there to support you, love you, comfort you, and know you. I love that you call me your best friend. I honestly feel blessed, never burdened by you. I couldn't ask for a more loving, sincere, sweet, smart child. You and Erin both are my world and fill my heart with so much love it is overflowing. I am thankful each day that I was chosen to be your mom and I will do my best to live up to all that you deserve....