Wrapping up the week...

Wanted to post a few photos from Tball on Tuesday night. Whatever moron thought it was a good or appropriate time to play for 5 year olds wins my vote for stupid man of the month...7:15 for a week night. Zach started as pitcher...cute, but so not safe for a child that spent most of the time with his glove in his mouth or looking around at everyone else...I was happy when they moved him to 3rd base...less balls go over there in tball. He did have one RBI and got on base 2 times and scored off those hits. Erin mostly enjoyed the treats...

Tomorrow is the kindergarten Zoo filed trip...Lord Help me I am going to chaperon. :) I hope it is fun, weather is good and I don't lose a child. I think that would be bad. Should be fun and I am glad I am able to go and be part of it. Erin has a daddy day....he took the day off and they are going to the gymnastics place together for Playnastics (my helpful suggestion). Then Brandon is off tomorrow night to Abilene. The kids and I had wanted to go, but plans changed and now he is going alone. It is the 25th anniversary of the B-1...big reunion, airshow and tons of fun up there. I think it will be a good chance for him to visit with old friends and also do a bit of networking. No secret we would love to get back to the operational B-1 world one day and that door is still open we hope. Part of me is so sad not to go as I know we would see many old friends and familiar faces as well as have time in a place I called home for 4 years. But, the other part of me knows myself, and I know I would be a bit sad to go back. I have such amazing memories of living there. Seriously! I loved my job, I had my first child there, went through my first 3 deployments there and made some wonderful, life long, best friends there. It was a good home to me. So, we will go back one day for a visit, or maybe a move...we will see!

So the kids and I are on our own until Sunday night...fingers crossed we have a fun, happy weekend!!!

SOAP BOX ALERT!

Okay...I have been stewing over a few things and just can't let it go...I am not one to shy away from sharing my opinions, but over the last few years I have learned there are appropriate forums for it. I can't just say what I want on Facebook...or at a social function. Not only might I offend people, but more importantly I know people don't always agree and it isn't worth the judgement or arguments. So this is my blog and my place to voice the things I think and feel...

So here is my warning to all my friends and readers...if you don't like what I am saying, I am sorry. Be forewarned that I am speaking my mind and my feelings and they might not agree with yours.

With that being said...Most people don't know what my political stance is. Why? Because A, I don't openly share it anymore and B, I am not sure I do anymore. Case in point, my views on two big topics on the news and the fact I am not siding with one party, but rather two. Most people that know that I am married to someone in the military assume I am a republican. Most people in the military tend to be conservative and republican, it is simply a fact. Other friends who know that I was a sociology major, did social work and have a lot of liberal thoughts on social things, think I am a democrat. What most don't know, is that right now, I am not sure what the heck I am.

I am a liberal thinker. I think everyone and anyone should be able to make their own choices and then deal with the consequences of those choices. Example...I have gay friends and support their rights to be happy and live fulfilled lives. They deserve the right to all the happiness that heterosexual people have. People might be surprised to learn that for myself I tend to be more conservative in my personal views for myself. A prude, no, but definitely more reserved than people would think (I know my BF from college Kelly is snickering at that comment and its truth).

SO here is what got me going on the political avenue. Two things...the news about immigration laws in AZ and the OK laws on abortion. I think many might be surprised that I am not feeling the love of one party in my stances.

As for the Arizona immigration...standing and clapping. Are you surprised? As much as I do see the issues it can cause of "racial profiling" if you want to go down that road and make that stretch, sure I can see that. But the basic fact is we have some serious issues in this country with immigration. I have lived in Arizona, Southern CA and Southern TX, 3 states plagued with immigration issues. I see the big picture, the problems and the affects it has on everyone living there. I don't see why asking people for documentation to prove they are American citizens is wrong. If you are, then you have no problems. Show your paperwork and move on with your life. But, if you aren't, then you need to go home or be here legally. Harsh, yes! I am a decedent of immigrants, as most Americans are in some form. My grandparents came from families that immigrated here. They learned English, got jobs, went to school and became successful members of society. They became Americans. Assimilated into this country's culture. See that is the thing, immigration isn't come to America, make lots of money, send it home to your country, continue to live as you do in your other country and refusing to learn the native language. Immigration is wanting to move to a new country and be part of it. So on that stance, I would say I fall on the republican side and I am okay with that. I took my child to the ER in CA. It had metal detectors and an 8 hour wait on a slow weekday. Why? Lines of people with no insurance, not able to speak English, using it for routine medical care. Just one of many examples I can give you. While working in Abilene at the domestic violence shelter we housed a women that crossed "the river" into America with her alleged abuser. Had a child and came to Noah for help. She stayed for over 2 years. Never working, never learning English, barely doing chores and taking care of her own needs. She lived for free. Why? One of my bosses was of Mexican descent and felt sorry for her. I get that, but if you want to be here and start a life, then you have to work for it. She was an undocumented person all that time. I really had a hard time with that and said so at the end of my employment there.

Then the OK legislation...oh goodness. You can read about it below, I copied the link to the article.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/04/27/oklahoma.abortion/index.html

Basically in the state of OK they want to require all women before an abortion to hear their babies heartbeat and see them on an ultrasound. Yikes. I see what they are trying to do...make them feel guilty and not abort. But is that right? Listen...I am pro choice, plain and simple. I am not pro abortion. In many ways I am pro life. I have never had an abortion or been in a position to need to consider that. I have however seen people who have. Unwanted pregnancies lead to unwanted children. Some people simply aren't able to be parents, for a multitude or reasons that are theirs and theirs alone. I believe in God. I believe in his judgement, not my own. It is not my place to tell anyone what they think or believe is wrong. Every choice has a consequence and each person will need to deal with that on their own. I am not here to tell anyone that what they do is right or wrong, I can only worry about myself and be the best person I can. I just think it is wrong to make laws like this. Add guilt to the plate of a woman who already is going to feel guilt. Or waste money and time on a woman who has her mind made up and is ready to make the choice before her without reservation. Either way, isn't it up to her. Can't you offer the ultrasound, not force it? I just think it is wrong.

So I sit here now wondering where the heck to I stand? I can't just check a box and say I am one or the other...I just have no idea anymore. But I do know that I won't start to let go of my opinions, feelings and honest gut instincts to follow one set of beliefs blindly and not look at all sides. I think it is good to question or disagree and keep seeking the better answers to make this country what it should be.

Getting so big...

She is simply getting too big too fast for me.

I am having a hard time realizing Zachary will be 6 at the end of next month, but harder still is the thought of Erin turning 3.

I can't really wrap my head around it. Where did the time go? It can't be possible that she has been in my life for 3 years already. I am sure almost every parent feels like this with their second. You do so much for the first that you simply don't have the time (or energy) to do for the second. You forget to video tape things, take pictures, and document so many moments. With your first child you were hovering and all over every first they had. But I just feel like time has flown with her...too fast for me to be honest.

I was three weeks from my c-section date when we went to UCLA for Zach's evaluation. We spent the summer Erin was born working on getting him evaluated and dealing with numerous issues with him. He was behaviorally not in a good place after she was born. I struggled a lot with him that summer and thankfully Erin was the easiest baby. She ate, burped and slept like a champ. She was happy and cried so little that it was almost terrifying the first few times she did. She was just easy. I never worried about leaving her with friends or my family, because she was self explanatory. Zachary had so many issues with colic, reflux, how he slept, etc. It was a very different experience with Erin.

The fall after she was born was busy getting Zach into a preschool in Palmdale, then speech and then his evaluation with the school district. His first IEP meeting at the school I held Erin in my arms while they gave me Zach's diagnosis. A friend watched him for me, and I took her with me. I was alone. She was quiet, still and so sweet. She was the calm that kept me from falling apart. I knew that what they told me was the truth, I was actually expecting it. But I don't think I could have been prepared enough for the moment someone told me my child had Autism. It was simple...they told me the results of his test scores, their findings and offered him 30 minutes a week of speech therapy. That was it. I just stared at her and hoped we would figure it out, we would be okay.

The next year was a lot of running back and forth to therapies, schools and working at home with him on things. I learned techniques from his therapists and did them at home. I bought videos, books and therapy tools and spent hours working with him every day. Erin would sit with us and just be content being around. She never complained. It was almost like she knew he needed more from me and I only had so much I could give. She would have her time one day and she knew how much she meant to me, but she let him be the priority.

Nothing changed as she got bigger, she has continued to be a sweet and easy child. No, she isn't perfect. I can list her flaws and tell you about our struggles with getting her potty trained (still not happening as it should). But, I do feel blessed that she is in our life.

I always call her my gift and Zach my purpose. Erin was a surprise. I love surprises. I firmly believe that she was a gift to me at a time I had no idea that I needed one. She was a great distraction from the fear and overwhelming frustration I felt with Zach. We were dealing with so much with him and felt so lost. Erin came along at the perfect time to keep us from being lost in that sadness. I also know that after Zach was diagnosed I might not have been as willing or ready to get pregnant. No one knows what causes Autism, but I am a believer that Zach was born the way he is and over time his environment added to the development of it. I could easily have another child with the same issues and at that time I think I would have been to scared. To think what I would have missed out on if I didn't have another child.

Erin's birth was a fantastic gift to all of us, but i think most of all to Zachary. He adores her, and she adores him. He is the most important person in her world. She has been a wonderful benefit to him and I think just her being in his life brought improvements.

I know that she came at the right time for me, but I hate that so much of her first 2 years were spent with me running around and having so little time to just enjoy her. It feels like it has gone by far too fast and I didn't absorb those memories the same way I did with him.

She has gotten so big and is doing so many things that just blow me away. It is hard not to notice what she is doing at almost 3 that he wasn't. Her birthday is a bit bittersweet. She turns 3, the same age Zach was when he was diagnosed. It marks 3 years of us on this journey with him. I can't help but to pause and be aware of that. He has come so far in 3 years and every day we celebrate it. Likewise, in 3 years look how far she has come.

I am just so thankful for her...the best surprise I have ever gotten. I might not like that she is getting so big, because it means my baby isn't a baby anymore, but I am loving the little girl that she is becoming.

Roller Coaster...

Well the end of the week was a rough one for us...Zach just had some bad days...at school and at home. When his days are rough, all of ours are. He was getting a cough and runny nose, probably from allergies again, but regardless he is all man when sick (this excludes my dad who doesn't complain when sick). Zachary just wasn't listening, disobedient and whinny. Two days on orange at school. Missed out on T-ball, therapy, etc. So, the week drew to a close with a lot grumpy people here. Hopefully he is going to have a much better week this week and whatever was bothering him last week is out of his system. We are having a lot of issues with him understanding being selfish and demanding. Like everything with Zach, we go thru phases...I am hoping this one is short lived!

The weekend went okay. We didn't do the garage sale with our friends because the weather looked bad. Turned out it was nice and we should have done it, but you never know. Our next door neighbors are moving soon and we hope to join their garage sale in 2 weeks and get rid of some things then.

Erin has successfully slept in her big girl bed all week with no issues. She wakes up in the morning, shuts her door (I find that so cute) and comes down stairs with a big smile on her face. She is so proud of herself and I can't tell you how much I am shocked by her. From the day she was born she has been an easy little person about so many things...not one night have we had an issue with her going to bed...I was expecting her to be up and running around. Thankfully this little one loves her sleep and is happy to snuggle up in her new bed.

Saturday Erin had another birthday party at a tumble place (same place Zach has swimming lessons). She had a blast and did so well I almost think I am ready to have her go there for classes again. We tried last summer and she was still unable to let go of me and participate in the class, I think now she might be willing...I will see if they will let us do a trial class.

Both kids enjoyed time riding bikes yesterday with Brandon while I got out and had some time alone to shop. It was fun for all of us!

I have been walking daily and enjoying it...when we lived in Abilene I walked every day, even when I was enormous and pregnant I walked. In CA I walked all the time. Well, to be honest there was not much else to do. Zach and I would take 1-2 big walks a day and both of us loved it. I walked less and less after Erin was born because it was hard to make time with Zach's school/therapy schedule and two kids. When we got here, I just didn't make the time. Now I realize I need to do it for me. I don't love the gym or working out, but I love my long walks. So, this is what I need to do for me. I also really want to get a bike. Now that Zach likes to bike, I think it would be fun for us to all go on bike rides. So, I am going to try to look around and see what I can find. Sadly I am so short that the regular bikes sold at Target or Walmart are too tall for me...I know, pathetic...so I will need to keep looking...

Here are a few photos of the kids...

Zach and Erin on the sofa watching a dvd yesterday...notice both in shorts...it was in the high 80's yesterday. :)

Zach and his dad went out to a hobby store while we were at the bday party. Zach got a weather station for the back yard...he loves it!

Erin got some new princess items...what a fun surprise!
Happy Monday to all and hoping for a good week!!!!

Mid week updates -

I don't have any fun photos to share right now, so I will just give a little update of life here.

Finished painting the table that used to be in the entry way and is now in the kitchen. We painted it black to match the kitchen table and it looks really good. It actually looks like it was meant to match, so I am glad we salvaged it and re-used it.

Two days in a row I have taken the time to walk. Good long walks. Walked with Sally yesterday while Erin was at school and again today with Erin in her stroller. So nice to get out, be in the fresh air and do something for me that I enjoy. After a long talk with 2 doctors last week, reviewing some blood work, reality is that I need to take better care of me in order to continue to do all the things I do daily for my family. I have been so occupied doing that I wasn't realizing that I wasn't taking time for me. So, I am working on that and making changes in lots of areas...so far I feel good and I am thankful.

Erin has slept in her big girl bed with success (knocking on wood) since Sunday. Each AM she appears on her own and announces, "I wakkied up". Super cute! She is very proud of herself and so are we. No successful naps so far, but I am not too concerned about that. She is almost 3, so naps would have been leaving soon anyway and reality is, this child will sleep on the floor if she is tired enough.

Trying to figure out what to do for Zach's birthday this year...seems to be harder as he is getting older to figure out things to do...

Not much else...just enjoying some beautiful weather! Will try to get photos on here tomorrow...

Big Bed...

Yesterday was Erin's big day, we bought her a big bed. Unlike with Zach this wasn't super planned out, it just kind of developed. I had bought her bedding online when the set I liked went on sale...it arrived on Friday. Lucky. That day Brandon called to say that the BX was having a big sale on beds. So we looked to see if anyone in town could beat the price and we couldn't find anyone...so Brnadon went on Sunday and got it. I bought sheets while out Saturday, so just had to take down the crib, put her new bed up and rearrange her room. Surprisingly it went smoothly, the kids both were interested, excited and helpful. I love her room now and she seems to really like her new bed. Two nights in a row she has gone to bed with no issues (knock on wood), but I have not attempted a nap. She slept until 7:45 this morning and appeared in my room with a big smile, her boo and announced, "I wakkied up!" Oh Erin...such a big girl. She was quite proud of herself and so were we all too. I didn't freak out about it because she showed me she was ready and was so excited. Some things you just can't hold back or fight, so I am learning to just enjoy it for her and let my emotions go...Here are a few photos of her in the new bed, I will post more of the room soon...

Of Course the big brother had to check it out and make sure that it was all okay for her...
Saturday we also got to go to a party...a birthday party for Erin's best friend at her Kids Day Out...it was fun and the family is super nice...ironically another military family that I met just doing my own thing here in town. Erin and Zach had a ball and both were so well behaved. I love this photo, but smiling so big and having fun...it was a good time and I hope we get to hang out more with this couple, I liked them!

Baseball game...

Tonight we did something new and fun! We went to a AA baseball game here in San Antonio. The tickets were a gift from our pest control man and we were so thrilled the rain stopped and we were able to enjoy this opportunity. It was a lot of fun.

Here are some photos of the fun...

Erin really had a lot of fun...she loved the food, the clapping, music, and overall really did well. She of course loved the chance to snuggle with her dad and I too. :)

Zach and I enjoyed the game a lot too...
Oh look Erin caught something....A Daddy!
Zach really did catch something...the first baseman threw a ball up into the crowd at the end of almost every inning, so Zach got to grab one...good thing we brought his glove.
Brandon and I...
Miss Erin..
This is how close we were...awesome seats!
Zachary!
The boys....

So glad we went and the kids had fun...hope we can do more of this now that we know they had fun, it is pretty affordable and we all had a great time.

Reading....

I love to read and I am so very thankful that I have passed that love onto both of my kids...tonight Erin and I laid in Zach's bed while he read a story to us. Such a nice sweet moment. I love that he loves to read. I love that Erin loves right now to be read to and asks to hear stories. I look forward to trips to the library this summer too! That is a favorite memory of mine from growing up. My dad used to take me to the Clemmons Library. It was little, but really nice. I am sure my dad read most of the history section there within the first few months we went, but I loved that he took me with him. I always got to pick out a few books and loved feeling so special as they were stamped and given to me to take home. My dad always "quizzed" me on my books, but that I didn't mind, because I was proud to show I had read them and knew what they were about too. Honestly one of my favorite things I did with my dad as a child.

I have been reading a lot lately. Just finished Winter Garden by Kristen Hannah. Good book...it started off a bit slow for me, but mid way through I was into it and enjoyed it a lot. Her books are always a good, easy read that are great to grab and enjoy. Before that I read Jodi Picoult's House Rules. A story about a boy with Asperger's (high functioning Autism). I really enjoyed it a lot and while I disagree with her basic stance on Autism, she is a firm believer that vaccines cause it, I liked the book. I naturally found myself drawn to the mom and really could feel her feelings, as most of them are ones I feel myself. I enjoyed the perspective of the sibling and the child himself with Asperger's. I lent it to my mom and I am interested in her take on it.

I started a new one today, Falling Apart in One Piece, One Optimist's Journey through the Hell of Divorce. It got great reviews and I thought it would be a good read to learn how to see the optimism behind an event that is usually so difficult. So I am excited to see how it goes. I have a stack next to my bed with many books I can't wait to get into...I love that. I always try to make time to read, I carry my books in my purse and car when I am out and about...if I have time in the carpool line, while Zach is at therapy, waiting for an appointment...I have my book!

No garage sale tomorrow...cancelled due to rain as was Zach's t-ball game. So we are planning to head to the BX to look at a big girl bed for Erin. I know, is she already this big? I am not sure I am ready for this step, but I can't deny her growing, changing and being ready just because I am literally weeping at the thought of moving her from a crib. My baby is almost 3. My baby! I would honestly love to have another, I won't lie, I would. I am not that person that is all done and so happy with that, I am done because it is the right choice for our family, our situation and the wise choice. I love being a mom, I love the two babies I have been blessed with, and I would do it all again. So, this is a bittersweet moment for sure for me. She seems to be ready and excited, so lets hope this goes well. The BX is having a big sale on beds, so it seems like all the signs are pointing to this moment...grab the Kleenex! One good thought came to me while I was lying in Zach's bed reading with him...now with her in a bed we can do the same thing and that will be just a great.

I am off to do and start planning my day...we have a lot of things on the agenda and a fun birthday party tomorrow night to go to as well...I think I will read a bit in my book too!

Midweek, where is my sunshine?

So the weather here is spring like, rainy! Overcast and gloomy all this week. I can't complain, I missed rain for four years in CA, but I was getting spoiled by the sun and nice weather here.

Had a busy day...Tuesdays are always full of activities...I had a Dr. Appointment, ran errands, therapy for Zach and book fair at his school last night...

I met Erin's best friends mom from her school...we finally talked after months of our daughters being best buds in school. Turns out here BF from an assignment years ago was my close friend while I was in CA...small world this military is. We are going to a birthday party at their house on Friday, so I am excited.

I am not feeling too well...heading to the doctor tomorrow and again Friday for different things...Thursday for my leg, Friday to the NP/Gyn on base... Always something I tell you. I spend more time at the doctor on my "free" days than I would like...

Today I have some errands to run with my little one and hoping to get things done around the house...not feeling up to par, so not planning to do much. Gloomy weather seems to make me want to curl up and go back to bed....

Weekend...

Well hello there...

We had a nice, pretty productive and lazy weekend.We had a tball game Saturday around 11 AM...it was a good game and Zach got to play in the outfield and 3rd base this game instead of catcher, so it was good to see him doing something else...He did great until the last out of the last inning. Not sure what he was thinking, but he didn't have the ball and was determined to tag the runner anyway. Oh well...at least it happened at the end of the game. :) He did well and his throwing is really coming along.

The rest of his day was rough, but it turned out later he had a pretty bad stomach issue going on, so I think he just didn't know how to vocalize that to us. We got some plants at a nursery I love and some mulch from Lowes to work on the front yard...next up river rock for the parts of the flower beds that get all the roof run off...hoping to get that this week.

We are painting an old table and reusing it in the kitchen eating area...should be done this week too and that will be nice.

Working on some ideas for our living room transformation. We intend on getting new furniture...our sofa and chair our fine for now and while I do want to get new in the future, it is the other pieces that need to be updated and replaced...our entertainment center is junk and was ruined in the move....the plan is to replace that and the tv that sits in it (we pray each move the movers will drop it, but no such luck yet). So we will be saving up for that. I found some things I like and I am just trying to decide what would be best...saving some money and hoping we can slowly add some of the pieces we need to replace the ones that need to go.

I also found a steal on fabric last night at Garden Ridge...2.5 yards of a pretty red for $5...so I am going to work on the dining room table chairs this week too...so many projects!!!

Sunday we had coffee and donuts...Shipley donuts are yummy, no Krispe Kremes (I am partial to the hometown donuts that are KK), but these are darn good. We had a good day of yard work, panjama wearing and cuddling...it was good.

Now on to this week...

As always lots to do...off to the doctor Tuesday and Thursday this week while kids are at school. Zach has a tball game tonight at the same time as swimming, so we will need to make a choice on that one...doing well with therapies right now and I like the ABA person a lot.

Two pictures of my cuties to close this post out...hope everyone had a good weekend too!!!

M.I.A.

Well I have been a bit M.I.A. since my last post....I was on such a good role on here too. For those that check, sorry for my absence. This week, like many around here, just got busy.

Brandon has been working around the clock on assignments...he got tasked with more people just a few weeks ago and assignments for the summer are all due to be completed this week, so he has been at work non stop...literally...he didn't get home until 3 AM last night. So much for the 9-5 job here, right? So I have been busy with the kids and getting all the stuff done.

We had an okay week, but Zach has been off...He seems to be doing okay at school, but at home we are struggling. Being lazy about things and expecting us to do so much more for him than we should at this point...he is in reality spoiled that we tend to drop it all and help him. Erin is much more self sufficient as a result having to be. He demands a lot, mostly from me. I am having to step back this week and realize that while I have done it because I love him and want to help, I feel sorry for him, I think it is my job, etc...I am simply making it harder for him to learn to do for himself. Telling him no now is hard for both of us.

I have also seen and heard things in him that are painful. Reality is that Autism affects children's social functioning...I know that, yet I am still shocked and hurt when he says and does things. He often lacks that empathy...Zach lives in a world that is very much about Zach. While I know he loves me, there are days that I think he would love anyone that did my job. That fed, clothes, cleaned up after, drove around and did all the mom duties...he would love that they took care of him. I realized that last night he doesn't really think about me, my feelings or needs. Just a series of events occurred that were eye opening. I won't lie...it made me cry.

See that is the part of this that I am so not equipped to handle. The part that on days like yesterday is angry. Angry at who, I have no idea, but angry. Maybe at the damn travel agent that sent me to the wrong country. Maybe at myself for not having the patience he deserves, the ability to not yell and be angry, to look at him and accept the good with the bad even when the bad is all we are seeing. Maybe I am just angry. I have no idea. But it isn't easy to have your child react the way he does sometimes and not feel something.

Example of our night....He was swinging in the back yard last night and Erin was playing in her sand box...I told both of them to be careful about nine times. I asked Zach if he would come in ten minutes for dinner, I would make grilled cheese...we were running late since the therapist stayed 30 minutes late. He told me no, he wanted mac n cheese...so as always I go and make it. I wasn't in the house two seconds and heard screaming. Him to be exact yelling at Erin. She was on the ground crying and he was yelling at her for getting in the way of his swing. I went and pulled them apart...I asked what happened and of course he was hysterical that it was her fault, etc. It was very clear that he was upset she caused him to stop swinging, but not that she got hurt. I told him it was an accident and that means no one is wrong, we just need to be more careful. He continued to say it was Erin's fault and she should go in so he can swing. Ugh...I just hate moments like this. I told him to go inside we were done swinging...crying, stomping and attitude followed. Next up, homework while dinner finished...lots of attitude...just going downhill fast. Back and forth from time out with lots more yelling and screaming. I then serve them their dinners and sit...Erin looks over and asks,"Where's your dinner mommy?" I told her I would eat later, I wasn't hungry for mac n cheese and daddy wasn't home to eat with. Zach never noticed I wasn't eating. It continued thru bath and bedtime...every thing was a fight or battle last night. I finally told him that I was done for the night and he could finish getting himself to bed since up to that point ever time I did or said anything he got upset with me...I closed his door and went down stairs feeling awful. I then hear him screaming help. Ran upstairs to find him in bed with his blanket on, bellowing, "You need to turn on my noise machine, I can't reach it from my bed". Sigh....this is how it is...

I know it sounds minimal...I know it isn't a big deal...but when your 2 year old is more willing to try to do things, notices things, helps...it is hard not to be more aware of what your older child isn't doing. Isn't trying to do or capable of doing. It is sometimes more than I can handle. I cried and I just felt defeated. I don't want to fight with him, but I also can't continue to bend over backwards and do everything for him. Reality is some days it is hard to see that he is all consumed in his head with himself...it doesn't affect him or bother him when the rest of us are in a bad place. It is hard not be so deeply saddened at that. And while I know that is part of what is wrong with him, a part I will never be able to change, I am struggling right now with my ability to accept it.

I am not sure some days if I am coming close to doing this right. To being a good mom to him the way I need to be. Some days I just feel like I butt heads with him all day. I try more than he will ever know...having him involved in all the stuff he does, it is time consuming for the whole family. Our afternoons and nights are busy all week with stuff for him. I do it because i love him and want to help. But it takes its toll on all of us. I am wound so tight when it comes to him it isn't funny. (this is not the time to start telling me to calm down, relax, etc...I know I need all that, but seriously have no idea who to fit that in). I am not depressed...that would have been a good term for some of my time in CA I think. I am just full of emotions that I have no idea what to do with...

So I went and saw my doctor yesterday about my strange right leg that has had issues for ten years with numbness...now it has new sensations and I am going to see a neurologist again and another specialist...so we will see. I like this doctor and just spoke to him about my life...the issues with my acne, hair falling out, headaches, etc. I know it is likely to be all stress, but when do I have the time to address that and to take a break. I can't take a break from the stress within, the worry, the guilt, the ongoing frustration over things I can't control. So, I asked him if I could speak to someone about it...it is time I take the time to take care of me. It isn't easy for me to ask for help. But, I also know I have 2 children and a husband that need the best me there is. I owe it to them and to myself to stop and allow myself the chance to deal with all the emotions I have been feeling for the past few years. Telling me to calm down and relax isn't the answer...I need to address how I feel and really let myself feel, so I can move on and be the best Susan I can be. So, for those who like my honesty, there it is...I can't get more honest than this. I love my children with all of my heart and just want to learn how to be okay with the life we have...Maybe someone else who is objective can see what I can't.

So today I am hoping that I can start to put the pieces together and work on things...slowly but surely I will get there. I refuse to give up on Zachary, and I need to not give up on me either.

Blue Bonnets!

Well Spring has sprung for sure here in South Central Texas...what a beautiful sight it is just to drive around. Wildflowers like I have NEVER seen. Fall on the East Coast is beautiful, but Spring here is amazing in its own right. We took the time yesterday to stop and take some family photos...we didn't have the tripod to get all of us in one shot, but it was still a great chance to get some pretty pictures. The kids loved it...although I am sure the mass pollen exposure wasn't the best idea, but you only live once, right? Now we are back to Monday and a busy week ahead, but what a fun weekend. Both children loved the Egg Hunt, had a great morning all around...church, brunch on base, party, wildflower exploring...it was a great day. Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday weekend too!

Here are the photos from the Blue Bonnets...Texas State flower (which is actually a weed, but beautiful none the less)...

Goof balls...
Poor child suffered the most from the flowers, but loved them!
Beautiful sight...
Teasing...
Mommy...
Off the go to explore...
The 3 of us...
Me and my guy...
She was so thrilled to be in a field of flowers...she could have stayed all day...
Photo by Zach....
He is so cute...


She found her spot and wasn't interested in coming back with us...
So glad we had the chance to capture some photos out in the flowers...hope to see more and take some more pictures..

Easter Sunday....

Happy Easter Everyone!

A few pictures of us before our busy day of church, brunch at the club and then an Easter party...fun filled day...we are all pooped!

Happy Easter...dying and finding egg photos...