Five Years Old...

I can't really wrap my brain around the fact that my baby is going to be five years old.  I have been thinking about it all day and not sure if it is normal for mom's to feel like this...a bit sad.  I am so proud of him for all he has done and his accomplishments this year...I have loved watching him grow and learn. He has become such a big boy in so many areas of his life.  

We moved here on his first birthday...now we will leave soon after his fifth.  I hate to think that I have spent so many of these four years wishing the time would go by faster so we could hurry up and move...that time would speed up so our time here was over sooner.  Sad, but true.  I didn't want to make him grow up faster and now that the time here is done I feel like it did go by too fast.  Even though I have been ready to move forever, I haven't been ready for him to be a big boy. I know I sound pathetic.  

Right now I am having a lot of growing pains with my little man.  He has is pushing back with some resistance to the new changes we are working on with him and I am the easy target since I am here all day.  I get it, but it still hurts.  The behaviorist is here daily and it cuts into a lot of alone time I usually have with him when Erin naps. He plays and does activities with her and we work on his behavior, attention span, attitude, etc.  I am the one here with him and trying to the implement things all day and therefor the bad guy.  It sucks that it works out that way as a mom sometimes.  

I am getting nervous about kindergarten...I know in my heart that he is ready academically...more than ready. I know if we hold him back he will be bored and then he will act out from that...but I am worried about him being able to do it.  To go from 8-3 in a classroom with 20 plus kids and hang in there all day.  To not melt down when he can't get it his way, take a break or quit when he is done.  That he will eat his lunch in the lunchroom...seriously my biggest fear.  That he can follow directions and be successful.  That he can make friends.  That it will be too much for him and he won't be able to say, instead he will just act out or new behaviors will come out. 

I am trying to get in touch with the school and their special ed department to get some ideas about the teachers, options to modify his day if needed, ways they can help him transition.  All of it is so scary....not to mention the fact that just taking him to kindergarten in itself scares the crap out of me.  A new school, new kids, new teacher....I am terrified.  But I am trying to not even let that enter my mind.  

So I sit here tonight and think about him...my beautiful, smart, loving, funny child.  I am so thankful for the five years I have had with him. He is amazing.  I know right now is a challenge for him and I, but I have to stick it out so we can see the pay off down the road.  I hope one day he will see how much I loved him and that all I am doing is coming from love. 

Happy Birthday Zachary...We are off to celebrate in Disneyland. I hope that he has a blast and that Erin enjoys it too...our last big hooray in CA before we move!