Oh this little boy...I know I spend an awful lot of time on here talking about Zachary. And I know everyone has opinions about me as a parent too. But none of you live my life, day to day, every day. None of you experience my life first hand as the mom of Zachary, the mom of Erin, the wife of Brandon, an AF wife and still in there is Susan.
What most people don't realize is that I am well aware of my flaws and how far from perfect I really am. I know I yell too much. I know I need to be more patient, I know that I need to learn to not get upset over some of the things that upset me. I don't have the best self esteem and I tend to worry much more than I should about things I can't change.
I am well aware of my flaws...I am working on them daily. I see changes and I see when I fail terribly.
I know that I am blessed beyond words. I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't feel like I got a raw deal.
Reality is I like my life. I love my children and I am happy. Every day is full of ups and downs, challenges and triumphs, but it is mine and I am thankful for it all.
Most of all I am thankful for the chance I have gotten to watch this little boy grow. He has changed so much that some times it takes my breath away. Even though I see him daily and the changes shouldn't be so pronounced, they are. I have spent so much time working with him and watching him work toward this progress, it never goes unnoticed, uncelebrated and unappreciated. I am simply amazed at him most days. I am still frustrated at times that some things are still a struggle. That he is so impulsive and makes many choices I know he should know better than doing. He is still fidgety and restless. He gets frustrated easily, but is more able to control that and has coping skills to calm down. He sees the world in black and white. He is often at a loss without a schedule or plan of what to do.
But...he is loving, happy, full of smiles and laughter. He is super smart...reading and math scores are in mid 2nd grade range. He is doing 2-3 grade work in his class so he is kept challenged and focused (God Bless his teacher). He is a good big brother and plays well with Erin. He loves his dog. He loves the ocean. He working hard to try to learn new things and improve on things he struggles with. He loves to read. He is a whiz on the computer. He follows rules well and enjoys doing work at home with me...doing workbooks and school work is a favorite for him. He is my best friend.
For 3 years before Erin was born so much time was just Zach and I. Brandon was deployed or working insane hours, never home, TDY and limited in his time with us. I spent so much time with Zachary and knew him so well. I feel like I still know him so well. I am so thankful to him. He made my time in CA bearable. He gave me smiles and sunshine through many long days. He has taught me more than any book, teacher or class ever could. He has given me the opportunity to dream, to hope and to realize goals that maybe seemed to far away to touch. He opened my eyes to many things greater than me. I still teaches me. He amazes me.
This week at his annual ARD (IEP), I went in without fear or knots in my stomach. I didn't dread what I would hear. I sat ready, hopeful and grateful. I know he has come so far. I know he still has far to go. But, I was for once ready to hear what I was told, good and bad. I wasn't afraid that they could tell me anything I didn't know or anything we couldn't overcome. He still has some areas that he needs to work on, just like me and like everyone. But the amazing thing is that he like me is trying. Each day he works on things. He is aware when it is pointed out that he did something he isn't supposed to do. He continues to improve and most of all try! He also is seeing his improvements and for the first time expressing pride in himself.
His teacher had so much to say about him. Some funny, only to those of us that know him so well. We can appreciate the humor in some of the things others might find odd or strange. We discussed his strengths, the changes we have all seen and areas to keep pushing. She is a great teacher than gets it and is on it. I am thrilled.
So after 3 years of doing this ARD business, I finally left one knowing I didn't get all I wanted from the school. Still no OT, still feel like some things aren't perfect...but I got compliments and a picture of my son that was glass half full. A room full of people sharing my hope, my vision and all of us knowing he can get there, we can help and it will happen.
I am so thankful for this boy...I watch him sit and work on his workbooks full of smiles and I am so full of love and joy...I know that this journey is far from over, but I am enjoying the view from this peak and thankful for a time where we can embrace the beauty for a while. It hasn't always been easy and the uphill battle isn't all behind us...rough spots are waiting around the corner. But, I know that we can handle them. Dare I say we can conquer them. He has grown up and matured so much and maybe, just maybe so have I.
My wonderful Zachary Jay!
