My musings...

Today was a pretty typical Tuesday...Zach has preschool in Palmdale every Tue/Thr. Erin now stays home with her sitter (I hate calling her that since she is really becoming my friend and does so much with Erin)...she is really getting a lot out of being able to stay home and not run around with me...better naps, eating better and able to do some fun things...plus learning Mommy isn't the only one that can take care of her. Erin is awesome with her and I am so thankful to have her in our lives right now. She is a blessing for sure...
Zach had a good day at school...at first he was a bit apprehensive since his teacher was busy with a meeting and he had to go to a new room and wait...but he saw his friends and warmed up once one came over and said hi to him. He then waved at me and said, "You can go now." Gotta love it. He got Panera for lunch and so did I...yummy! I love their soups! On the way home he said, "Mommy, where did my pretty green trees go?" I was impressed with his big sentence, but so sad that he said that...being back in NC only further reminded all the kids really miss out on living here...it isn't just being in a city and having those amenities. It isn't just that we are so far from family being here. It is the little things...It just makes me sad.
On another sad note...my mom told me dad met with his neurologist today and he has decided to go ahead and have back surgery...he has been having issues for a while now and they are affecting him more and more...a lot to go into...but he will have it on Monday...all of you that read this, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers...he means the world to me and I just want him to be okay and feel okay. I hate that he has to go through this, but hopefully it will ease his suffering.
Brandon is supposed to fly to Abilene at some point this week...as always the B-1 is a bit unreliable and the plans continue to move around and make it hard for us to make plans. I would love to keep our weekends full and busy until he leaves. It is so sad to think he has such little time left before he leave. I was at Sams today and just got a wave of sadness looking at stuff...just knowing it will be 4 months before I go out and buy his favorite things for dinner, etc. Just made me think...
I am not unaware that this deployment is more scary for me than before...two kids, one with special needs, living far away from family and having limited friends here...I try not to dwell on it, but today it just hit more...I will try tomorrow not let it get me down!
Not much else to report today...Zach is still off on his sleep here...woke up Sunday and Monday around 5 AM and today at 6:30...usually he is the late riser of the crew...Hoping he gets his clock back on track soon. He has been so wound up lately...ADD and Autism are not the best mix, so I am hoping that I don't have both on my hands.
Okay...I am off to fold the rest of my laundry and clean up my beautiful mess of a house. More tomorrow...

photos...

Just some photos from this trip I wanted to share...Miss you mom and dad!

Returning home....

It is always an adjustment to return home after a trip anywhere, especially one to see my parents. It is like we all go into a withdrawal. The kids are so used to the love, affection and extra attention, being back home with less of that is hard. Erin was glued to me most of yesterday soaking up every hug and kiss with desperation....not that I mind! Zach's time is all messed up...he did great out there and Erin was the one that couldn't adjust to the time change...now that we are back his clock is off....he has been up at 5:30 the last two mornings in a row...not fun! He has speech in town around 12, so lets hope he doesn't start to get tired by then from being up so darn early. He asked right away yesterday to get back on a plane and go back to 51 and see Nowie and Grandpa. (He calls my mom Nowie instead of Noni...that was all he could say at the time and it stuck!) 51 is their house number and the boy loves his numbers...
I also had the issue of just house stuff. I had to vacuum, but I love that since I love my vacuum...I know I am pathetic, it is the little things that make me happy people. There was a huge power outage while we were gone...10 hours! So, needless to say my frig had to be emptied. I was not too happy with that since it was pretty full of things I had bought pre trip so I wouldn't have to go the store right away...On the positive side, it gave me an awesome excuse to clean out my fridge and it needed it. I spent over $200 at the commissary though...not good.
My friend Erin that watched my Erin took care of our mail, plants and house...my plants looked awesome! I was so happy to come home and see that...usually they die sad deaths when I am gone. Sally was picked up from her new kennel...she had been going to a place in town for about 2 years and suddenly when we called to make her reservation their answering machine said they were closed...strange. Big for sale sign out front...I am sure mortgage issues to blame. So we got her a new place and she did well...she slept all day, exhausted from her week there. Got a nice bath and is so soft. She will be back to being insane tomorrow!
For me it is always hard to leave my parents...it just is. I tried this time not to cry, it only freaks out the kids and has me feeling worse. It is hard to know they aren't as accessible to me I think. I am glad that I got to see their new house though. It was so great to see...my mom did a fantastic job decorating it and the area they live is so nice. It was wonderful to be back "home". They live in Greensboro which is part of the triad...my sister lives in High Point and we grew up outside of Winston-Salem. So, I was able to go back to Winston and see that area too....always makes me feel good. I always wish I had more time to be with my parents, but so thankful for any time I get. They are amazing parents and wonderful grandparents. My children are so lucky! I honestly just love to watch them interact...to see Zach and Erin around my mom and dad is a gift and something I will treasure always. They know they are loved and are just so happy with my parents. I am glad they have them in their life.
But, now it is back to reality...Brandon will be on TDY this week to Abilene...then next week to Travis AFB...I was planning to go, but now think I won't because we would have to change around lots of appointments for a short trip...maybe another time. Lots to do before he leaves...time is fast approaching. I hope it goes this fast when he is gone, but I know that it won't. I will post this now and add some pictures...I will do that in a separate post though...
Happy Monday!!!

Heading Home...

These trips always seem too fast...the kids always have a rough start with the time changes and travel days...the first day is usually a lot of sleeping, yawning, wacky eating and just not fully together. Then they get to be themselves and just start acting like they are at home here...it is awesome to see. Both kids love my parents and have just grown to share amzing relationships with them...I am thrilled to watch them evolve over time. Erin has quite a personality for 1 and she is in love with my dad...she thinks my mom is a God send since she is always with food...Zach has loved them both since he was a baby...I am just so lucky to have such loving, involved, supportive and kinds parents...I am so blessed. I am sad to head home, but glad we had the time here...it will be a long day tomorrow and lots to do, so I will close now and post at home with lots of photos...much love to everyone...

More NC stuff...

We took the kids yesterday into Winston-Salem and went to the children's museum. We had breakfast first at my favorite place, the Desertery and then off to the museum...had a blast and it was well worth it. Then off to my other favorite, TJ's Deli for lunch then home. My parents live in Greensboro, my sister in high point and Winston is the third city in the triad area. I actually grew up in Winston and in an outer area, Clemmons (mostly of there). It was nice to be back in my old terrain and I felt comfortable...funny how that is. Knowing roads, seeing old places, having a favorite place to eat and knowing just what you want before you even go in...stuff I miss.
I can't deny these trips make me homesick. Moving so much with the AF life homesick is just part of it. I was so homesick for Tucson when we moved to Idaho after we got married...I cried all the way to Utah I think. I was still home sick when we got to Enid, OK...At that point NC was always my home, where my childhood and past lived...but Arizona had taken on a new place in my life. My parents were there, my life in college, friends, new memories...so much of the new part of me had been born there. Then we went to Abilene and I missed Enid a bit...friends mostly, but soon grew to like life there and it became home after four years. Now I find myself missing Abilene a ton when I am at "home" at Edwards. I will always miss here like most people miss where they grew up...memories are amazing like...they become more like dreams with time I think...you forget so much bad and remember so much good. :) I would love to live here one day to be closer to family and friends and to be settled somewhere I think would be great to raise a family...but I know that might not be in our cards. I am right now pretty okay and even excited at the thought of going back to Abilene...so we will see...homesick is relative I guess...
My day today was going to Hobby Lobby...something I haven't done since I left Texas...Oh how I miss that store and my HUGE bill today proved that...so I bought 3 years worth of not buying in one day...I guess that is a way to look at it. I got a ton of scrapbook items and things I don't have access to at my house...and some cute home accessories too. Couldn't resist really. I had a nice time out by myself...Brandon golfed and the kids and grandparent time. We had dinner with my sister and her family...I have to say one thing...my kids are eating machines on this trip. Zachary is a toothpick...33 pound at 4...tiny. Erin is 19 at 13 months...not big either...but man can they eat here. Zach has eaten more here than he has eaten at home for months...so great to see him trying new foods and meals aren't a nightmare for me...well until we get home. Erin has rejected her bottle and formula for 2 days straight. Our doctor had talked me into keeping her on it for a few more weeks since her weight was off so much from how her growth was going earlier in the year...I guess she has discovered food and is over it...she eats everything...it is adorable and wonderful...
As always my time with my parents seems too short...I feel like tempers run short and we all just get so worked up with such limited time...trying to fit it all in and enjoy...I know I am guilty of it as much as anyone. I miss them so much and really feel so blessed to be so close to them and have the relationship we do...they are awesome parents. Life is short and I have to learn to calm down, take a breath and live each day...I wish it were that easy for me some days to just do it and not know I need to do it...be patient, be kind, use a nice tone of voice with people, enjoy all things good and bad and just live in the moment...not worry so darn much...this is what I hope I can achieve in myself in the next few months...things are going to suck time to time...I need to get over it and just live my life the best I can.
OK...off to bed now I hope. Erin has had an off day with sleep and refusing her bottle...so we hope that she isn't sick with ear issues and is just showing her personality...I will get pictures up soon...

First days in NC

Well we had a long day of travel on Friday, the 4th. The kids couldn't have been better though. Zachary was a bit frustrated with the layover in Phoenix...just in a hurry to get on the next flight and get going. I couldn't look out the window, it was really a little hard to be there. I loved living in Tucson and all my years in Arizona and it will be a while until I am used to that not being home base for me. I love North Carolina though...this is my home...I grew up here. It is so pretty and green and just feels like home to me. I love the trees...something we never see at my house. My kids are in awe I think of the green and tall trees. My parents new house is beautiful...they have this awesome view of the golf course and of course as only parents can do it, live by a resort here in Greensboro. They have a beautiful sun room that I would spend every day in if it was mine. My mom always does a beautiful job making every house look amazing and I love how this one looks.
We got to see my sister and her family last night and that was great...all the kids did well together and the boys actually played together. It was awesome to see them interact that way. Zach actually was asking to play with Jacob and excited to see him and do things...it was a nice change...we had some meltdowns and issues, but not as bad as before. He has a bit of an obsession with his leapster right now and I am frustrated with that. Otherwise he is doing well and has accepted the change pretty well.
As always it is bittersweet to come home. It is harder now to be here with my parents and sister so close together and me now so far away. I know this is the life we have with the AF, but it doesn't make it easier. I would love to have a place that was mine and feel at home in a community.
And for those out there who love to comment, "well you chose that life". Yes and no. I get really pissed off at that. Yes, I chose to marry Brandon and I knew when I met him what he was doing with his career...however I was not aware of the military life and all it entailed...most people aren't. I had no idea some of the places we would live...and FYI we don't get to pick. I had no idea that some people would get great locations, no deployments or even stateside ones and others would be gone more than home...there is no instruction manual that comes with it. So while I chose my husband, I didn't knowingly choose so much of this. I don't complain endlessly or play the poor me card, so that is even more why that comment irritates me. I take things with a grain of salt and try to always remember ever single day so many military families have it so much worse than us. Many wives have their husbands gone for a year or more...some deal with injuries and worse yet, some suffer the ultimate loss. I know how blessed I am for what I have. But, it never makes it easier to watch friends come and go from my life and move so often. It doesn't make it easier to watch your children just learn to not expect daddy to be around and if he is it is fantastic. It is not easy to prepare for deployments, make out wills and say goodbye to the person you love for months. It just isn't easy...sorry. I accept my life and gladly accept the sacrifices that come along with it and try to do so without bitching and moaning...so for those of you that don't live this life and don't understand, think before you speak. No one really asks for their life...things happen to all of us and we all just learn to adapt...I am so thankful and grateful every day for so much I have and that others have sacrificed for me.

So...just wanted to share that while it was fresh on my mind...I hope everyone had a great fourth...photos to come soon.

Just a quite post...wanted to share Erin's Happy 4th outfit...she looked so cute in it going up the club for dinner Tuesday...it is a family tradition now to go up for Tuesday night buffet...all four of us eat for less than $12 and it is super close to the house, literally behind us. Since going into town is just too far for a quick dinner, and I need a break from cooking...we have made this our thing. Works well for us and the kids. Anyhow...just wanted to share those cute pictures...

Our Bakersfield evaluations weren't exactly what we had expected, so it was awkward at the end...we left unsure of what we would get out of it. Basically they spent the time gathering information from us and while Zach was in the room, no real interaction with him or evaluating of him occurred. We hope that we can still get some behavioral help through them, but looks like they plan to pass the occupational off to the school. It is the typical left hand not talking to the right. No one knows who is supposed to provide what service and no one wants to pay for any of it. It wasn't a waste, but not what we had thought. So...we will be hopeful and maybe we can get some additional help. For now we are packed and ready to head East to NC. The flight leaves Ontario around 1 PM tomorrow and gets into Charlotte around 10:30 PM...add on the 2 hours to the airport on either side of the trip...long day!!!!! So, pray for us and safe, meltdown free day...I am just excited for what is on the other side and will stay focused on that.

Hope all of you have a safe and happy Fourth of July...

bakersfield...

We are off to Bakersfield this AM for Zach's evaluations with the county regional center. They will be doing an occupational therapy assessment and a behavior therapy one on him. If he gets assessed as to needing these things, then apparently these would be offered by a therapist in our home. I can't stress what a relief that would be since things are so far away from us and gas prices so high...one less drive would be great and less stress on all of us. So...we leave early this AM, Erin is going to stay home with Erin R, her sitter and Brandon and I are taking Zach. One of those rare times I hope he doesn't do too well so they see has a need for the services...I will post more later and let you know how I think it went and share some photos.
I'm off to wake up the boys!

Completely self serving post...

WE own the 4Runner! We paid it off one year early and now we proudly own two cars....granted one is 8 years old and the other is almost 6, we own them and they are both in very good condition...so nice to be done with that payment and to own both cars! Granted we now are placing that money to pay for a part time "nanny" to help me with the kids while Brandon is deployed, but oh well. I have hired someone, also named Erin, to help me. Her husband works with Brandon...she has an early education background and is great with the kids. She will be watching Erin when Zach goes to school in Palmdale Tuesday and Thursday...basically Erin was getting to big and busy just to drag around town for those 4 hours two days a week and it was very unfair to her. She is such a happy girl and this way she can have time to enjoy things for her, not have to miss a nap and get meals that aren't on the go. I had looked at day cares and preschools, but nothing that I was happy wtih taking her to and nothing that was affordable for the time she would be there. She will also watch her when Zach has his therapies. I took Erin a few weeks ago and having her there was a big distraction for everyone. So...it will help keep Zach on track and give Erin some one on one time with another adult...something she will need more and more wtih Brandon gone. Erin will also be available to help me with both kids or even watch Zach...just a huge bonus to our household in during this time. I am excited to have her! So...I felt the desire to share that...
Gotta get Zach on the "white van 41" to speech school.

Busy days...

Well the next few days are busy prior to our trip. Tomorrow Zach has his last day of speech school...they had a summer program for the kids for only a few weeks...he will return to that school in August. This is the school he goes to through the school district...it was on base and has been moved to a nearby town...it takes the van to and from school...about a 30 minute drive from our house. He loves his teacher and seems to like the new school and longer drive. His days there are not as fun as his other school...more directed work on things like speech, motor skills, group work...all the things that are struggles. He has done well there and learned a lot...he goes there 3 days a week starting August 18th...His other school in Palmdale is two days a week...he is attending their summer program and it continues until August...he has a week break between the fall semester starting and moving to the 4 year old class there. I am excited to know he will move up with his age group and hopeful he will do well and have no issues with that transition. He has so much ahead of him...I hope that at least the school situation will be a place he feels safe. Tomorrow he will go to school in the morning and then we have speech therapy in town at 5 PM. Thursday we are heading to Bakersfield to get him assessed to see if he qualifies for occupational and behavioral therapies...we live in Kern County and Bakersfield is where the regional center is located. If he is approved these would be therapies he would get at home. I am hopeful he qualifies...any additional help is something we are glad to take! Then we have to run Sally to the kennel that night and we are off Friday AM to the airport and our trip to NC...so much! I just feel like time is ticking away for us and each day we get closer to Brandon leaving and things we need to do. I hate that feeling...something I haven't missed since leaving Texas, but I remember it well. I am sad to know Brandon will be gone so long and be so far away. It is hard not to be jealous a little of people's whose husbands don't have to go or got stateside "deployemnts". I am not a jealous person usually. I know he will miss so much of the kids lives. He will be alone and not with friends or people he knows and doing a job that isn't something he has interest in, just filling a position. I know the kids will miss him desperatley. I know it will be hard and confusing for both of them in different ways. I am sure I will have a lot of acting out from them and issues that arise due to his abesence. And selfishly...I am a bit scared for me. I don't have a good support network here. I have a serious lacking in friends at this time. I just don't feel very close to the friends I do have and sometimes question the sencerity of those friendships. I know that I have great friends and family in my life, but no one here wtih me daily and that is scary. I won't lie. Before I have had people I rely on and close friends to help me get through those moments. I haven't had two kids and one with special needs to be met. This will be a challenge for me and as much as I know it, I hope I am prepared for it. Most of all...I will miss him. We fight...we piss each other off...we communicate poorly...we aren't a perfect couple by any measure...but we love each other and we love our kids and our life as a family. I will miss having him to turn to in a time of need and to share those special moments...the ones only he really gets.
Like tongiht. Another little thing for most, but big thing for us. Zach was a pill most of the day. Just crabby. He has had a few meltdowns (fits, whatever word you choose) the past few days that are just a bit more than normal. Today he was just full of whining and crabbiness. So tonight I was shocked when Brandon got him out of the tub and told him to get dressed by himself. I tried this technique this morning and was met with tears and total refusal. So...tonight he whined and he said he couldn't, but he did. He was offered 20 minutes with his Leapster before bed if he did it himself...and God Bless him...he did. He struggled, but he did it. And he was so proud of himself...he danced around the room, gave us huge hugs and kisses...it was great. Those moments are special, but even more so when we can share them together...I will miss that the most I think...
So...that is where I am tonight...a bit sad, but there are lots of highs and lows to come in the next few weeks and for sure months...Hopefully tomorrow I have more pep in my step...